When Heaven Smiled

38

Chapter 38
Butterflies and You

One thing I learned the hard way is that you can never ever unlove someone no matter how hard you try. You'll just learn how to live without them. But at the end of the day, you will give space for them in your heart because you know that they hold a piece of you. It's the hardest and scariest thing about loving, you'll give a piece of yourself to someone special without knowing until when it will last.

If you're going to ask me if I still love Papa, Ate Ari, and Maxon? I'll definitely say yes. Love has different degrees and meanings, and it's unexplainable. Hindi ko alam kung ilang porsyentong pagmamahal ang mayroon ako para sa bawat isa sa kanila. Kasi kahit sinaktan nila ako, masasabi kong mahal ko pa rin sila.

I think that's what Maxon and I have in common. Masasabi namin na mahal namin ang isa't isa pero hindi sa paraang iniisip ng iba. We shared so many memories; we saw how we matured in our relationship from high school to college. Those four years were the best years of my life that I would keep and treasure forever.

Now I am a true believer that first love never dies; because if they do, the lessons you've learned and the happy memories you created with them would die along with that love.

"Sorry, minsan nakakalimutan kong ex nga pala kita. Baka naiilang ka na sa mga pinagsasabi ko." Maxon chuckled bitterly.

"Wow, do you have to say it out loud? We're friends anyway kaya malilimutan mo talaga." hinagis ko sa kanya ang supot ng crackers na hawak ko.

"Seryoso, minsan kasi feeling ko college lang tayo." kinagat niya ang fish crackers.

"You know what? I'm gonna tell you a funny story." I laughed to conceal the pain I was feeling.

"Ano 'yan?" he sounded so attentive. Umusog siya ng kaunti para mas lumapit siya sa akin at marinig ako ng mas malinaw.

"Alam mo ba kung gaano ako katanga sa 'yo dati? Sobrang tanga!" I covered my mouth to stifle a chuckle.

Blame the alcohol for the God damn emotions, but I just had to let it out.

"I wrote a long-ass letter for you when I knew that you were about to get married! Hindi ko lang alam kung nakarating sa 'yo 'yon... I hope not. I regret writing it anyway, I looked so desperate and low..."

Bigla ko naisip na hindi na pala ako natatawa. The corners of my eyes heated. Memories of yesterday crashed on my mind instantly. I can't believe I'm saying this to the person that hurt me the most. Para akong nagbubuklat nang naghihilom na sugat. I'm letting myself bleed again. Sa harap niya pa talaga.

Nakita ko kung paano siya natigilan sa sinabi ko. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung itutuloy ko pa ba 'yung kwento ko. But I feel like I have to.

I am also well aware that I have low alcohol tolerance, if ever I got drunk I would forget everything I said and did tonight. So I guess it would be less embarrassing. Besides, I'm not gonna do anything that I might regret tomorrow. I just hope I won't have a hangover.

"Sorry, hindi ko kasi maintindihan e... Ilang beses ko rin naman na inisip 'to. Pero kahit sa sarili ko wala akong matinong sagot na nakuha. Akala ko nga mababaliw na 'ko noon e." pinunasan ko ang mainit na luhang tumulo sa pisngi ko.

"Two weeks lang ata kasi tayo hindi nag-usap no'n. Kinailangan ko lang ayusin 'yong sarili ko. I was accused of something I didn't do Maxon! Sabi nila, nag-cheat daw ako sa lintik na test na 'yon! Pero hindi ko naman magagawa 'yon kasi nireview mo pa nga ako the night before 'di ba?"

"Sorry, hindi ko alam... Sorry wala ako no'n." he whispered. Nakita ko sa mata niya na nasasaktan din siya. It's like he's finally letting me see the windows of his soul.