When Heaven Smiled

41

Chapter 41
Mahal

It's scary how someone could love you today and then the next day, they don't.

I know for a fact that he could give me butterflies and roses today but, tomorrow he'll give me thorns.

He could not take that fear away from me; the fear of being left alone again.

My father did it to me, he discarded me when he thought that he no longer needed me. Maxon did it to me once too, he left me hanging. Both of them didn't bother to give me a reason that I could justify... they're the same. They let me keep guessing.

Pareho nila akong pinagtanong kung ano bang kulang sa akin. Pareho nila akong inangat ng napakataas tapos ibinagsak ako nang biglaan.

Now I finally found out the reason why I could not commit to another relationship. I kept denying it to myself even if it's too obvious.

Takot akong maiwan. Hindi ko kayang mag-isa.

Maxon held my chin to deepen the kiss. Napakapit ako sa railings dahil sa marahan na paghalik niya na sinuklian ko rin. It's like I've been lost in my own mind and I couldn't think rationally. All I can think about right now was his soft lips.

Nang kumalas siya mula sa pagkakahalik ay mataman akong tinignan ng namumungay niyang mga mata.

Natauhan ako sa nagawa ko. Now I made things even messier!

"Mahal mo 'ko... mahal mo pa ako." he said as if it was confirmation he was waiting for. "You wouldn't respond to my kisses like that if you don't love me." para bang sobrang sigurado siya sa mga salitang binitawan niya.

Pagod ko siyang tinignan. Ano ba ang gusto niyang marinig? E kahit naman sabihin kong mahal ko siya wala naman kaming parehong magagawa...

I'm still leaving and I still have bills and debts to pay. I have a future to continue and dreams to fulfill; the one that I tried to forget when I was bombarded by my responsibilities.

We both know that I was just here for the money in the first place. I'm just his travel buddy, a companion. That's our freaking agreement! How the hell did we get here?

I shook my head a lot of times. I covered my face using my hands as tears fell like waterfalls.

It's funny how he could make me feel so loved and give me so much pain at the same time.

"Tama na Maxon," mahinang bulong ko. "Ayoko nang masaktan tayo ulit. Nasubukan naman na natin noon 'di ba?" I wiped my tears away using the back of my hand and faced him.

I was taken aback when I saw his bloodshot eyes while tears were also streaming down his face.

"Pero hindi ba mas nasasaktan ka lang sa ginagawa mo ngayon?" he pursed his lips.

"Kapag ba sumugal ako? Anong mapapala ko?" I genuinely want to know his answer to that question. "Maxon, if we cross that road again the both of us would get hurt. It isn't worth it anymore."

"It is!" he cried, "You are worth every pain, Alice! I am willing to go through that same pain all over again just to be with you." kahit may diin sa bawat salitang binabanggit niya ay para siyang nanghihina.

"No!" I shook my head again. "Do you even hear yourself right now, Max?" I frustratedly asked.

"Oo, ang desperado. Alam ko 'yon," he sounded so calm and so sure, patuloy pa rin ang pagtulo ng luha niya. "Gano'n kita kamahal... gano'n ko kagustong manatili ka sa buhay ko."

"You're losing yourself..." I threw him a disappointed glance. He's unbelievable, I didn't expect that he'd come to this point.

This is what I'm saying, this love we have could destroy both of us.