I Hate You A Little Less Today

Chapter 25

How long until my heart broke into a million pieces...

After the extremely stressful encounter with my mother and brother, I told Levi I needed some fresh air, he stayed chatting with my father about some things I was too disinterested to keep up with.

I walked through crowds of people, all the way across the ballroom. As I walked, everyone's face faded, the music and the voices of everyone disappeared, all I could hear were my own thoughts.

Breath Y/N. There's no point in crying right now. Why am I even feeling this way? Levi is going away, everything is going to end, but right now he's here...so why can't I enjoy it?

...

I guess what was bothering me was the fact that throughout all of this, throughout me not understating the magnitude of my emotions, I had no idea what Levi was thinking. I see him looking away, looking off, being quiet, not being bothered, not showing his feelings. In a strange way I wish he would just hug me and cry, I wish he would tell me exactly how he's feeling, what his thought process was.

But for what? We were going to separate regardless, in the morning he would be gone, and I would never have to deal with his appalling attitude, his snarky remarks, his obnoxious tone, the way he clenches his jaw whenever he sees something he doesn't like, the way he blinks slowly when he is in deep thought, the way he looks at me with half shut eyes...

Don't cry. Please don't cry.

I kept walking through the crowd until I got to a hallway, the hallway was long, it led to a balcony.

As I felt my eyes get watery I ran towards the balcony, the giant curtains waving into the hallway, I walked out.

The balcony was grand, the view was that of a beautiful rose garden, the moonlight reflected on the stone from the edge, I leaned against it.

With both hands on my cheeks holding my head up, I looked at the sky. It was a bright night, the stars were beautiful. The moon was behind a cloud, illuminated.

My chest rose up and down, I pressed my lips together trying to compose myself. I felt a knot in my throat. All the emotions that I couldn't comprehend were now begging to come out.

For a few minutes I tried to fight it, but before I knew it tears started streaming down my face. Nothing came out of my lips, it was a silent cry. My now emotionless face was looking down at my own hands, I rubbed both hands together trying to focus on the feeling.

Levi's hands are cold. I thought to myself. I pursed my lips trying to not give in to that thought. I wanted to hold his hand now more than ever.

I looked back up, but my tears distorted my vision, I could no longer look at the stars.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. I didn't react.

"I followed you through the crowd, I almost lost you" His voice made me shiver.

I turned my face so he wouldn't see me crying, "I just needed some fresh air"

As much as I tried to sound ok my voice was a clear indicator that I was crying.

Levi came closer to me and placed his hand on my cheek, he turned my face to him.

I locked eyes with him and he gave me a stern look, "What is this about?"

I looked down but he delicately rose my head so I would look at him again.

"Y/N...the last thing I want is for you to feel this way" He whispered.

"I just don't understand..." I said under my breath.

"You don't understand what?" Levi pushed the hair in front of my face behind my ears.

I stayed quiet for a few seconds, he remained quiet aswell, looking at me attentively.

"I just don't understand... why can't we be together?" My voice got shaky.

Levi's hand froze, his expression was empty. Every second of silence I felt my heart break more and more.

He sighed. For a split second I could see pain in eyes, but his expression switched quickly.

"We already talked about this... you need to move on with your life" He said while he looked away.

I moved away from him abruptly. "How can you say that?"

He seemed surprised at my reaction.

"How can you dismiss everything that we have gone through these last few months?" My breathing got faster.

"I'm not-  you need to find someone who can be there for you. I can't be there the way that I want to-" Levi kept pausing his thoughts.

"I don't care if I have to wait until you've all killed every single titan-"

"Don't be stupid, things are more complicated than that" He interrupted me.

My voice became more stable, "You are the one who is making it complicated! You can be a scout and also be with me I-"

"I'm just trying to protect you!"

"From what?!"

"From wasting your time on someone who's going to die when you could be happy building a family with someone else!" His loud tone was overbearing.

I closed my eyes as tears flowed rapidly down my face.

I don't want someone else. The voice inside of my head responded.

"I don't-" My voice gave out.

"Please...just make this easy" He whispered.

I looked into his eyes again, before I could say anything else he started wiping off my tears with a handkerchief. I stayed still.

"Now come on, let's go enjoy the rest of the night" He grabbed my hand and pulled me into the building again.

As he pulled me my heart went numb. Everything around me started to feel like a dream.

Mid hallway I stopped walking, "D-do I look ok?" My face felt puffy from crying.

Levi looked back, he stared into my eyes and a sad smile appeared on his beautiful face, "You look perfect"

I sighed, attempting to numb myself enough to enjoy the rest of the night.

We spent the rest of it together, talking about memories from the last couple of months, talking about the ball and eating almost everything we found around.

Everything passed by quickly.  Voices started blending in together in the background.

It was pleasant, if I didn't have our talk in the back of my head I would have said that it was a perfect night.

Then we went home, I was so tired that I fell asleep on our way back.

To my surprise, and my dissatisfaction, the next time I opened my eyes was the next day, in the morning.

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