I Hate You A Little Less Today

Chapter 30

I had a whole week to think about...everything. After the scouts took on the Shinganshina expedition I would wake up almost every day with an insane amount of anxiety. I wanted everyone to be ok. Everyone that I had met during my time with the scouts became incredibly present in my mind whenever they did anything now.

Unfortunately now more than ever I thought about them every minute of the day.

I wondered truly, how I could help. What type of skill did I possess that could help the scouts in the future, but my mind was blank.

I thought back to the moment that Eren Jeager told me that I should join the scouts, that moment under a tree where that boy was so sure that maybe someone like me could do something like that.

Could I join the scouts? No... I can't even open a jar... I didn't feel like I was strong enough for something like that.

A few more days had passed, Levi still hadn't even sent a letter. I figured that if the expedition went well, he would have passed by or communicated with me already.

More days passed, I started to get immensely worried that something really awful happened to Levi.

Fuck it.

I decided to get dressed and go straight to the Survey Corps. I needed to find out what had happened, my heart couldn't take the waiting anymore.

I arrived there and the halls were far emptier than usual, even so, I still saw a lot of people around, but they weren't scouts, they seemed to be officials from other branches.

I looked around trying to find a familiar face, but I couldn't recognize anyone. I decided to go to Levi's office.

I walked all the way there with a knot in my stomach, hoping to see him and not hear from someone else that perhaps he didn't make it. The closer I got to his office the more memories I got from when I was working here, walking through these halls always so frustrated at the man my mind had convinced me was the villain. But now I walked through these halls hoping that man was still alive, and still wanted to see me, if that even mattered anyways.

I stood in front the the door, breathing slowly, trying to compose myself. I knocked. Nothing.

I knocked again. Still nothing.

Levi would never blatantly ignore someone outside of his office, no matter what mood he was in.

I grabbed the handle and pushed, the door opened and I was greeted by darkness. No lights were on, no curtains were opened. Everything was left as if he hadn't been in here for a long time.

My heart started beating faster, none of these things were good signs at all.

"Y/N?" A voice made me jump, I turned around towards the door in shock.

A familiar face.

"H-Hange?" I froze at the sight of her, my eyes got watery immediately.

She walked towards me, not excited or anything, but perhaps with a hint of relief.

She embraced me.

"Aw how I've missed you..." She whispered into my hair.

"Hange... what is going on around here?"

She smiled briefly, "Oh my dear y/n...things have changed around here drastically"

She walked towards the doors and closed them, leaving us both in the dark room, in complete privacy.

We both sat down in front of Levi's desk.

I remained quiet, completely focused on whatever she had to say.

"Only a handful of scouts remain now..." She started speaking again.

My heart immediately dropped.

"Was the operation successful? I guess we could argue that... we were able to accomplish what we wanted but a lot of people died" She looked down the whole time she was speaking, almost as if everything was directly her fault.

I only hoped she wasn't blaming herself for any of it.

"I don't think I'm supposed to tell you this y/n..." She looked up at me.

"Tell me what?-" I was terrified at every word that was to come from Hange's mouth.

"Long story short, there are...people...outside of the walls..." She grabbed both of my arms.

Her eyes pierced through me as she spoke.

"H-Hange- W-what do you mean peo-"

"We are still figuring out if we want this to be public information, but I believe it's everyone's right to know the truth!" She spoke almost enthusiastically, though her face remained expressionless.

"Hange..." Tears started streaming down my face as Hange's expression turned into concern.

She backed off.

"Nine of us survived, me along with Sasha, Jean, Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Connie, Floch...and Levi" She said, understanding that this was probably the information I would find most pressing.

And it was.

A wave of relief washed over me, but I couldn't feel happy, I just burst out crying. Hange started crying also, we both fell into each other as we both once again held one another. Our clothes getting soaked from each other's tears.

What a tragedy.

"I need to see Levi" I said after a few minutes.

Hange pulled back, she sighed in response, "I think he's going to need some time..."

"What do you mean he needs-" I stopped myself.

I was impatient, I thought to myself for a second that perhaps I was pushing the situation too much.

"Y/n...ever since we got back we have been... we haven't even had time to rest...I mean I'm sure he has been waiting to go see you but..." Hange looked exhausted.

I stared at her realizing just how much this was taking a toll on her, I could only imagine just how Levi felt also.

"It's fine...you two right now must have the weight of the world on your shoulders..." I looked away contemplating. Feeling like I was overstepping, by demanding to see Levi.

I comforted Hange for a little longer and then she walked me out to the plaza. I now stood there alone, looking around for a little longer, knowing that even if I stayed there, I would probably not see Levi.

Standing here I realized that Levi's responsibilities and role in the world just got immensely bigger.

The realization made my stomach churn, mostly because my heartbroken for him, the broken man from the underground, was getting further away from a normal lifestyle, just when I thought his life couldn't get harder, with the death of Erwin... I fear things will never be the same.

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