The Spark Between Us

Prologue

"Dear Diary,
Something is coming. I feel in deep down inside.  It seems ridiculous to type this out. What am I, a fortune teller? But try as I might, I cannot escape the sense that things are all about to change. I don't think it is because I am about to graduate. It feels deeper, different than that somehow.  My life is finally in a good place, for once. Almost perfect, from the outside looking in, in fact. I'm not sure I want whatever it is that is coming.

I love living with Mimi, I don't have to worry about my parents getting drunk and either forgetting I exist or deciding to use me as their personal punching bag anymore.  Moving to a new town gave me the chance to start over.  No one here sees me as the poor girl whose parents are the joke of the town. They don't know the mistakes I made or the things I did, just looking for attention. A fresh start.

It makes me ashamed sometimes to think of how I was before. Doing things with boys, thinking that would fill the void I felt inside, that they would like me if I did. Although I never went all the way with any of them, I did plenty of other things. I had no regard for anyone else's feelings, doing what I wanted when I wanted. Showing up at school so messed up that the cops were called. Although, in retrospect, that stunt is what started the chain of event that finally got CPS involved, so silver lining there.

And I have Sara and Noah here, Sara who is now my best friend, which never having an actual best friend before, I'm really enjoying. Even though her constant cheerfulness and happiness can be irritating, I know that it is what I need. It only irritates me because I cannot be as happy as she is.

And Noah, my sweet wonderful Noah. He is truly what saved me after coming here. Even leaving my parents and old life behind and moving in with Mimi, as wonderful as she is, wouldn't have been enough to stop the self destructive path I was heading down. But I met Noah, and he loves me, for me. While he doesn't know everything I have done, he knows some of my past and he loves me anyway.  He is so good and genuine and I love him as much as I am capable of loving anyone.

I have noticed lately though, there seems to be expectations and pressure. It has caused me to have this uncomfortable feeling more and more. Not your typical type of pressure you get from a guy, though.  That wouldn't be like Noah at all. This pressure comes in the form of our future and it feel too heavy.  I feel like it started right after my eighteenth birthday about two months ago. The closer we get to finishing high school the more it weighs on me. Noah has our whole future planned out, and I just don't know if that's what I want yet, or if I even deserve to have it.

Part of me thinks it is because, deep down, I worry I don't truly deserve Noah, he deserves someone better. Someone who is genuine and good like he is. Someone who can love him back completely, who isn't damaged and broken, with a diminished capability for love. I have never spoken these words out loud, but I worry that I'm not completely right inside, I don't think I love quite like other people do. My heart just doesn't work quite right. I have a guard up that I don't know how to let down.

The other part of me is the selfish part, the part that doesn't want all this pressure and expectations of how my life should be. It doesn't come naturally to me to be to be how Noah wants. Good, calm, reliable. I have this burning need inside me for more. I don't know what more is exactly. Just that I want it.

So like I said, almost perfect. Change can be good, but not always. I'm worried about what type of change is coming. Or maybe it is all in my head?

Maine Montgomery stopped typing and closed the note folder on her phone that serves as her journal. She laid the phone down, feeling slightly better already, getting her thoughts out. Typing in her journal always seems to help sort out what she is thinking. She rose out of the chair in her bedroom she was curled up in. Time to get ready for the last day of school.