The Spark Between Us

Chapter 23- Boiling Point

Dear Diary,
I know it has been awhile, I have just been consumed with everything going on. I forget that one of the best ways to work my feelings and thoughts, is to come here and get them all out.  And boy, do I have a lot of thoughts to work out! After breaking it off with Noah, I took a trip with Asher. It was honestly one of the best times I have ever had.  Asher is so much fun and we just click. But in that trip I let things get out of hand, and while I don't feel bad about what happened, it did lead to me realizing my feeling for Asher are deeper than I thought. I am in love with him in fact. I didn't handle it well really, I actually asked him to keep what happened between us a secret. Which in retrospect wasn't the best thing to do, it clearly caused him to feel like he wasn't good enough, which isn't the case at all.
I'm sure that comes from his relationship with his parents and how they treat him. I got into with them a bit also, but that's another day, maybe.

My request for secrecy was a moot point in the end, because when we arrived back home, Noah was waiting for us. That was one of the most awkward times in my life. But seeing Noah and Asher at the same time, same place once again, didn't help anything. I was so mad at Noah when he didn't come back after Mimi died, but laying eyes on him again, all that faded away. Almost instantly, all the  warmth, safeness and comfort I have felt around Noah just flooded back. I am in love with Noah too. What kind of person am I? The look of hurt on Noah's face makes me think a terrible one. And Asher's quiet departure was no better. I am hurting them both. It been a couple of weeks now and I am still doing it. All because I can't choose between them. And I know why, it is because I am a coward. I have already lost people, and by choosing one, I will loose the other and I don't want to lose either one of them. I am selfish.

I just want to keep them both with me forever, which I know is not  realistic. At all. When I am with Noah, I am content, happy and at peace. The pressure I felt before he left, hasn't been present since he came back. I don't know if that is because we aren't together anymore, so there isn't the same expectations, or if Noah finally understands how uncomfortable I was and has realized we don't have to plan our whole lives right now. But when I am with Asher, I am consumed, I can't think of anything but him. It isn't at all comfortable, but I enjoy it just the same. His sense of excitement matches my own, and I feel like we are equally matched, as far as the moral department. How can I know which is right? There is pressure now, but different than before. The pressure to choose. To keep one and to give one up. And I just cannot picture my life without both of them in it.

Sara says that I have to choose, I can't keep them in limbo like this, that it isn't fair to either of them or myself. I know that by either of them, she more means Noah. She likes Noah more, they get along and were friendly before I even moved here. She truly is concerned for me though. She is the kindest, most loyal person I have ever met. The other day I thought I might have noticed that she might be feeling something for Noah, but I'm sure I was just imagining it. I am clearly driving myself mad with all this.  I have been thinking that maybe the only way to make a decision, is to stop seeing both of them for awhile. Focus on myself, and maybe things will work themselves out. Wishful thinking, probably, but it can't hurt to spend some time on me. Right? But I don't know if I can give them up...

............

Later that evening, I don't much feel like cooking, there is too much on my mind. I decide to head down to the Roadside bar and grill and grab something to eat there. When I arrive, I walk and sit at a small table, since it is just me. As I wait for the server to come take my order I look around, Tyson is here, playing air hockey with Will, a guy we went to school with, I give them both a quick wave and continue to scan the room. My eyes come to a halt when I see the darts area. Asher and Noah are playing darts together, and from the slight swaying each of them are doing, they have somehow convinced the bartender to serve them drinks.