The Psychology of Love

Chapter 9 Flicker

Chapter 9    Flicker

YU has already been at the bridge opposite the Berlin Cathedral since 12 o'clock, watching the Spree River flow in winter.
The sun's rays on the cold winter day flicker on the water surface of the canal.

After the lecture, he decided not to go to the library. His excitement would not allow him to concentrate anyway.

He would much rather be inspired by the historic surroundings of Humboldt University.

He is determined to show Sam the Plötzensee today. This bathing lake adjoins a very large park. He does some research to be able to tell Sam about the historical and ecological features of Plötzensee Park.

And the park is right near YU's apartment.

'It could be that we are still hungry after the analysis talk in the park,' YU thought to himself and bought all the food for a ramen soup yesterday just to be on the safe side.

And so he is still standing on the bridge at 1 p.m. on Wednesday.

His cheeks are red from the cold air. His cold fingers are pressed between his armpits. His thick scarf covers his neck up to his ears. His head burrows into the scarf and leans on his folded arms.

The cold of the surroundings cools his inner hot-headed thoughts.

He fantasizes the walk. The conversations. The moments.

And he enjoys the feeling of inner warmth.

A new feeling he never knew.

Meanwhile, Sam conducts the first session with Nadine.

An athletic young woman who devours Sam with her eyes.

When she heard about his research project, she screamed like a teeny girl and immediately applied. She's plain and always just barely gets through exams. Always has.

And this student sits across from Sam and tells her life story at what Sam thinks is way too fast a pace.

How she grew up in a village in Brandenburg. She was in love with Sven from her parallel class, but nothing came of it. Her parents were always loving. The move to Berlin was difficult for her. The culture shock was particularly bad for her. There were so many foreigners here. Berlin is so colorful.

And Nadine keeps suddenly laughing out loud.

And completely out of context, she compliments Sam.

His pants are beautiful.

A giggle.

He has such big eyes.

An eye-blink.

And Sam sits across from his subject, straining not to look annoyed.

He strains.
But can't help it.

A therapist must also surrender to the bustling of superficiality.

Lurking for a special point in the bustle.

But he just doesn't see it.

He doesn't accept it.

He just doesn't want to.

His mood left something to be desired today anyway.

He had a restless night.

Plagued by dreams that he couldn't recall in the morning, but felt them tormenting his insides.

And so he feels stirred up inside and catches himself during the session again and again, how he digresses in his thoughts.

As he watches Nadine speak, he hears the voice inside him asking why he didn't drink his coffee on the terrace this morning.

Why he finds it so difficult to regain his inner balance.

Why his body is having bio-chemical reactions.

His stomach tingles at regular intervals.

An increased heartbeat accompanies it.

At the same time, he feels a restlessness.

As if he has become infected.

Something is working inside him and his defense system is trying to counteract.

And he cannot do anything.

He feels externally controlled.

Loss of control.

And that makes him angry.

Sam averts his gaze from the soundless, chattering Nadine and looks at the clock above the door.

1 p.m.

The session is done.

And he will finally get to talk in the following analysis meeting.

And tell her openly how he fared in the session.

"Nadine, today's session is over," Sam interrupts Nadine's flow of speech, "For the analysis talk, we'll leave the office and do the recording outside while walking."

Nadine's eyes light up.

"We're going for a walk together?" she asks excitedly, thinking of the envious looks the other female students will get when they see her with Sam Lin.

She pulls out a small mirror from her bag and traces her thin lips with a lipstick.

Sam, meanwhile, gets his jacket and walks toward the door. He is relieved that the meeting is over and mentally notes that he must tell Nadine right away. Maybe the shock of his experience will make her break through the surface and prove deeper thoughts.

They leave the university and find themselves directly on the large forecourt to the numerous historical buildings in the area.

The imposing Berlin Cathedral is always the first sight Sam takes in. Then he wanders over to the canal that flows right through Berlin.

The bridge over the Spree is always lively.

And Sam sees from a distance among the many people, tourists, students, Berliners, a black figure standing.

Someone dressed in black, standing still.

Surrounded by movement and life.

Sam's eyes linger on him.

A black resting place for his flickering soul.

He feels all his hair stand up.

A warm wave rolls over him and makes him smile.

For the first time that day.

"Brrrr, it's so cold. Aren't you going to put your jacket on me?", Nadine snaps him out of his trance and tugs at his sleeve.

Sam raises his eyebrows, shakes off Nadine's hands and turns on his voice recorder.