The Psychology of Love

Chapter 36 Torn

Chapter 36    Torn

It is 11/17/2021, Sunday.

At 2:11 p.m., YU and Sam are sitting in the car after saying goodbye to Professor Österreich and Professor Dieckmann.

Sam is sitting in the driver's seat of his Toyota, which is still parked in the parking lot on Potsdamer Straße in Schöneberg.

And he doesn't know what to do.

The electric motor of his hybrid is inaudible. So the silence in the car is not even disturbed by the waiting engine.

YU sits in the passenger seat and looks at his hands.

He senses Sam's insecurity and wants too much to touch him.

His hands are cold again. He would so much like to give himself to the warmth of his comrade. But he can't manage to jump over his shadow.

He doesn't want to be seen.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" comes Sam's deep voice with a sad sound.

YU feels a stabbing pain in his body.

"Do you have any plans?", YU asks cautiously.

He doesn't want to have to say goodbye. Even though they will see each other again tomorrow at 10 a.m., have their first meeting as an analysis team, it's not enough for him today. He wants to spend more time with Sam.

Sam thinks of the last words his German father whispered to him as he said goodbye: "Sam, you have to talk to YU. You have to talk to each other. Explain to each other how you feel about each other."

He listens inside, tasting the sad taste of his hurt.

YU pushed him back. At least that's what it felt like.

Even though all he wants now is to be left alone. Just wants to be by himself. Longing for his inner balance on his terrace. Maybe he should give YU the opportunity to comment on his perception. He certainly won't make the first move, though.

"I don't have anything planned," Sam replies shortly.

YU feels a tingle in his stomach. He's going to show him. Show how much he wants him. Just because he doesn't want to show his feelings for him to the world doesn't mean he doesn't have any. He's going to prove it to him.

"Then maybe you still feel like going to Plötzensee Park with me? It's still light out. I'd love to show you the old trees. They soothe every flickering soul," YU says timidly.

And Sam feels his heart flicker. He imagines himself standing with YU under a big old tree. How they embrace and he can breathe easier again.

"I'd love to," Sam replies, finally driving off.

And during the ride, which again leads through the green heart of Berlin, the Tiergarten, through Moabit then ends in Wedding, both are lost in deep thoughts.

YU fantasizes how there are only the two of them in the world.

No other eyes feasting on the sight of Sam, no prying eyes condemning their attraction to each other.

Just him and Sam.

And he could finally feel free.

He would give anything to be free with Sam. To not be subject to any unspoken rules and standards. He wants to touch him freely. To be able to hold his hand on the street. To kiss him whenever he feels like it.

Sam set him free from himself. Showed him the light.

But they live in this world now.

In a world of looks, judgments, defaults.