The Psychology of Love

Chapter 42 Jealousy

Chapter 42   Jealousy

It is 4:07 pm.

Sam is lying in his bed. The gray of the sky is getting darker, casting longer shadows in his bedroom.

After the low that turned into a high, he was unable to cope with the day at the university.
He spent the rest of their session with YU in his arms on his therapy couch, silent.
That much he would have wanted to tell him. But fear of even darker outbursts kept him from doing so.

YU showed him his tender affection without a word.

Time passed slowly and Sam felt himself enclosed in his inner darkness. YU's warm hands caressed him and whispered their love to him.

With each touch, Sam felt the despair sink deeper.

And then at 11:57, when YU was ready to leave because Sam's next session was coming up, he took Sam in his arms once more and whispered to him:

"I just want to be yours. I'm sorry for yelling at you. That's not my way at all. I just want you to be mine. Please forgive."

Sam's lump in his throat hurt and he found himself unable to speak. Instead, he hugged him tighter and let him feel his heartbeat.

And then when YU left, Sam canceled all further sessions and went home.

Since then, he's felt bad.

He lies in his bed and condemns his behavior. He cancelled his sessions again.

He, Sam, the reliable man with a highly valued work ethic, again cancelled his sessions.

Never in his life has he felt so weak. Even breathing requires strength that he cannot locate within himself.

Why did this have to happen?

YU's distorted face kept appearing before his eyes.

How he screamed and hurt himself. How he surrendered to madness. How he lost consciousness.

Yes, Sam admits to himself, to be jealous too. To perceive an exciting feeling when the beloved threatened to be stolen.

And yet he found it so attractive when YU was possessive.

Feelings of fear, loss, anger and sadness flood the consciousness and form an injured vortex.

Jealousy is an aversive emotion that arises as a result of a perceived danger to a two-way relationship. This danger may be real or imagined, but it may also just be thought likely.
And while reactive jealousy is an emotion arising from affect,
that arises from an actual breach of trust, preventive jealousy follows the goal of warning of the possible breach.

Don't. Stay with me.

Sam keeps replaying the situation in his mind.

YU, Hassan, and him.

YU really came at an awkward moment.

Hassan was just opening up. Of course, Sam was just focused on him.

For a therapist, it's a moment of happiness when the patient overcomes barriers.
Senses himself.

Looking.

A dance of joy of self-fulfillment. At least for the therapist.

The patient goes through painful feelings. But comes closer to himself. Learns to understand his own metaphor.

For Sam, this is the meaning of the big picture.

A life lived consciously. No regrets in the winter of life.