The Psychology of Love

Chapter 16 Admit

Chapter 16    Admit

Sam stands on the terrace for the fourth time that sleepless night with his voice recorder in his hand.

YU's analysis of their last session is on the device.

And Sam's mind convinces him each time not to listen to the recording until tomorrow. Why in the middle of the night? Why not during working hours? Why the rush?

But each time Sam is back in bed, a blanket of sadness envelops him, making it hard to breathe.

He wants to break free.

To shake off the blanket.

And each time, he gets up snorting and succumbs to the call of the voice recorder on the side table.

Why can't I hear his voice? Listen to his words. He is a superior analyst. I'm just enthralled by his mind.

At night. After everything.

Despite the fact that I left.

I left YU behind.

I decided that way.

Then I can't weaken now.

Stand by your decisions. Your mind will guide you the right way. It always has.

But I don't want to leave it behind. I want him with me. We want to explore together. With him, I can discover the world.

I want him with me.
I want to have my comrade with me.

Sam puts his hands on his face. The voice recorder in the middle of it.

He feels himself a little closer to YU when his recording is against his face.

Feels the longing that cries out for him.

His moral agency, shaped by parental strands struggles with his primal urges. The longing to love and be loved.The sexual surrender.

And in the middle of it all is Sam.

His consciousness comes to terms with the defense mechanism of denial.

It's just a recording after all.

He is not here.

I'm not with him.

No danger.

And he presses the button on the voice recorder, letting the recording and YU's resounding voice take him away.

"Analysis meeting after Wednesday session on 11/14/2021:
After today's very intense session, in which I had the honor of accompanying you on a journey, I think you might want to forgo the subsequent analysis. Therefore, I took your voice recorder and am now recording my perspective.

I showed up early again today. [YU chuckles.]

I was excited all day and looking forward to our session.

The last session opened doors for me. And so I felt that I could and would show myself.

Six minutes early, I knocked on your office door. You didn't notice because you were eight minutes late. When you finally came, I noticed your restlessness. You seemed tense.
And you didn't shake my hand in greeting. I was looking forward to that. Your hands are always warm. [YU chuckles sheepishly.]

Your lack of eye contact and the long time you stayed at your wardrobe, made me understand that you were going through an inner conflict today and didn't want to be seen.