The Psychology of Love

Chapter 18 Looking back

Chapter 18    Looking back

Dieckmann sits by Sam's bedside, watching Sam spoon up ramen soup. Each bite seems to take Sam away. His face is filled with pain and longing. Each bite makes him remember and create cravings in his body.

How many times had Dieckmann tried to convince Sam to go to one of the most famous Asian places in Berlin. The long Kantstrasse in Charlottenburg is home to numerous Asian grocery stores and delicate restaurants. But Sam always refused his German father's request.

He always wanted to try the delicacies of other cultures. Spanish, Turkish, American specialties, Persian, Arabic, Indian flavors were to show his mind new worlds.

No looking back.

Sam never wanted to look back. To surrender to his root and its attendant feelings.

And Professor Dieckmann watches Sam eating his ramen soup and is convinced that he had ventured on a rapid journey into his past with YU, which has overwhelmed him. The closeness Sam feels for YU, which has made him run away, originates in their common root.

The implications of Sam's feelings for YU are not clear to Dieckmann.

Nor is the scope clear to Sam. He cannot name the feeling. He has just admitted to himself that he has feelings for YU. Only which ones, he cannot name.

But he feels exactly that he will not fight back anymore. That there is nothing left that can stop him from standing by YU's side.

And he feels the screaming urge inside him. He wants to feel YU by his side. To never miss him again.

Sam sets the bowl aside. He can feel the warmth in his stomach taking up any reserves of strength in his body.

"Sam, you look exhausted. Get some sleep. I'll stay and wait for Österreich's call. Don't you worry about a thing. I'll wake you the minute he calls," Dieckmann's caring voice sounds.

Sam reaches for the dictaphone he had briefly put aside to eat, and snuggles back under the covers.

His lids are so infinitely heavy.

Heavy.

And before he enters his dream world, he hears Dieckmann muttering to himself:

"If I don't find out what this dictaphone is all about, I'm going to burst."

And Dieckmann finally hears his Sam laughing again.

Sam gives a short laugh and surrenders to the heaviness.

He travels into the world of his dreams. A world filled with the metaphors of his unconscious.

Sam is in the living room of his parents' house. He looks down at his feet and is startled. They are small and fleshy. Of a chubby he was as a toddler. Fed and pampered by his mother until he was 7 years old. He looks in the mirror that hangs in the entry hallway of their home. He is five years old. The 27 year old Sam is in the body of the 5 year old Sam.

A rippling joy rises in him. He wants to look around the house, visit his room, let his mother cuddle him.

Only something stops him. A bad feeling knocks at his consciousness.

He shakes himself and runs through the big house with his little, bulging feet. He hears himself, his mother calling. When he gets no answer, he decides to go to his room.

He runs up the stairs to the second floor and stands in front of his locked door. He can't open it. It is locked. He feels frustration, anger and finally despair. Why can't he get into his room? This is his dream.