The Psychology of Love

Chapter 40 Dawn

Chapter 40   Dawn

YU stands in his kitchen holding Dr. Lambe's card. Staring fixedly, he looks at the card.

He can't help it. A silent resistance resonates in his mind. He just can't focus his thoughts.

Just doesn't want them.

What he wants is Sam. Only Sam.

The only thought he allows.

The only feeling he's willing to acknowledge.

His resistance moves him to put the card in the silverware drawer. He slides it under the chopsticks, closes the drawer and goes to his room.

His room.

He stands on the white carpet, which now shines much brighter. Missing are the little retreat nooks with his books.

His eyes search for a special table.

'Where is my Sam Lin tabletop?' he thinks to himself and looks at his bookshelves, the neat stacks of books in front of them and finally at the tabletops placed against the wall.

With a smile on his face, he walks toward the stacks of books, carries two to the edge of his bed, and expertly positions them.

And when he finally finds his Sam Lin wooden tabletop among the lined-up plates, he feels his heart warm his body.

For a long time, he just stands there looking at the tabletop in his hands.

His heart grows heavy.

How could it have come to this?

How could he give away his Sam Lin table?

Nothing can make him do it anymore. No one. He gives Sam to no one.

He puts the wooden tabletop on the stacks of books, sits down in front of it, and strokes the writing.

Sam Lin shows me the way.

A warm feeling of security surrounds him.

Nothing can reach him. No one will see him. Only Sam.

He rests his face on the writing and lingers.

A smile lines his lips as he floats with Sam inside him.

Meanwhile, Sam lies in his bed and ponders.

He wonders how YU is doing. Worries about how he'll experience the first night after his psychotic episode. Whether it was naïve of him to hope that YU would really contact Dr. Lambe. And whether it might not be better if he treated him himself. He could heal him with his love. He can.

But Sam's sharp mind opposes his love-drunk thoughts.

He knows it well. How important it is to let him fall free.

He must fall free to open his wings.

He can't just hold on to Sam.

He can't always carry him on his back.

That would not allow him to work through his anguish.

Sam cannot heal him with his love.

He can only love him.

He can't just be the distraction from the pain.

He wants YU's free love.

That he return to him.

That he go through his pain and come back to him free.

He wants it that way.

And his heart grows heavy.