The Psychology of Love

Chapter 22 Flashback

Chapter 22    Flashback

Sam is shaking all over as he enters YU's room. His despair shows through anger and he intends to shake YU up.

But when he sees the devastation in the room, his breath catches and the anger escapes from his body.

All the books are spread across the floor. Some directly against the wall. The traces of the bang can be seen on the wall.

Crumpled pages. Dented covers. Bruised cracks.

No stacks. No system. No clarity.

Gone are all the retreats. The wooden tops of the little homemade tables seem to have served their purpose no longer. They lie tossed about on top of corpses of books.

The high bookshelves are empty.

Sam's lump in his throat chokes him.

YU's bookshelves, his trove, his history.

Empty.

Sam begins to search for YU in the desolation.

He feels a deep concern rising inside him.

And it is only when he sees YU huddled on his bed that his lungs dare to take in oxygen again.

Sam can no longer hold in the lump.

Silent tears stream down his face.

YU is invisible.

His body, shrouded in black, disappears on his black blanket.

Sam's eyes do not want to believe what has happened here in this room.

What YU had to suffer in his darkness.

Without Sam.

A quiet sob escapes Sam's mouth.

He breaks.

His guilt crushes him.

He was not there.

"As you can see, it's better if you go.", Sam hears YU's serious voice, "I'd rather be by myself. Go, please."

"I won't. I won't go. I don't see anything that would make me leave," Sam replies, trying to climb over the sea of submerged books.

Closer to YU. He wants to get to him.

"You're challenging me. You want me to convince you. Show you my true self.", Sam hears YU say in a harsh tone as he tries to move forward without destroying YU's books even more.

"I've seen your true self before. I've told you before that you're not scary, you're more exciting. So, go ahead and show yourself to me. Take it as a challenge.", Sam says mildly and climbs YU's walls further.

"And if I tell you it wasn't me at all.", YU whispers fearfully, "My mother did it. She wants me to disintegrate. She stands there and makes me leave. She doesn't want me to be here. Nothing might to remind of me."

Sam's guts twist from the inside.

A screaming pain runs through his body.

He feels YU.

His fear. His loneliness. His darkness.

Bubbling hot tears accompany Sam's renewed sobs. He struggles to compose himself and asks in a shaky voice, "Where is your mother? YU, when did she come?"

"She came when you left. When she left us then, I thought I would never see her again. But she decided to haunt me in my retreat in Berlin. She wants to accompany me. Strengthen me. Stand by my side until I finally make it. Until I finally dissolve. Finally give her her life back. She's waiting, Sam. She's waiting," Sam hears a bright, frightened child's voice.