The Psychology of Love

Chapter 2 To See

Chapter 2     To See

"Tape 3: The preliminary meeting with YU Teng was unexpected. He triggered emotions in me that could not be calculated.

Increased heartbeat. Deep shame. Panic due to loss of control.

During the conversation I could clearly see that he was transferring repressed desires to me. He himself expressed that a shame directed at me was blocking him. He spoke openly and reached me. Triggered something in me. While I suggested that he go through the sessions lying down, I suddenly lost control of myself. An enormous fear rose in me. It showed itself in the form of shame. I felt the fear of disappointing him. Of failing him.

My initial assessment of YU, that he had fears of failure, transferred to myself. My body showed all the physical effects of fear. Masked by a deep shame that ran hot through my body. My shame masked my fear of failure. This may also be his defense mechanism. We need to talk about it. Determine what desire instinct is behind it.

I mirrored YU's shame. The moment of countertransference. But without control.

I lost control. I didn't expect that.

A shiver runs down my spine as I talk about it. Another physical reaction that indicates intensity. How can this happen at the first meeting? We haven't started the sessions yet.

YU reacted very professionally to my derailment. He immediately took on the role of therapist and helped me gain conscious control after I let my affects get the better of me.

On a matter-of-fact level, he addressed all my anxiety points. He thanked me about working with him. I need not worry about not beeing enough compared to the Sam Lin he fantasized. He indirectly referred to the fact that the practice is still in the making. He said that I should keep in mind that it is not bad not to have a reclining opportunity yet. And then to ask me about the temporal conditions brought me completely back into my conscious matter. Yes, YU specifically led me out of my deep shame.

A moment of counter-transference.

Impressive.

I told him we would get to the bottom of his shame. Discover the repressed desire behind it.

I will prepare myself for this process. I need to record the initial findings. For the research, it is important not to establish fixed roles during the sessions. We are both therapist and patient. Even though I lead the sessions, the subject must be able to respond to my countertransference. Perceive them. Whether this is possible with all 12 subjects remains to be seen.

YU proved today that he is able to do this. That he perceives. That he sees me.

After only 20 minutes with YU, I discover enormous emotions within me that I want to explore with him. Three sessions a week. Mondays at 10am, Wednesdays at 2pm, Fridays at 6pm.

I need to order a therapy couch immediately. Once again, I can't feel unprepared," Sam speaks into his voice recorder, staring at the chair where YU was sitting just minutes ago.

"The occasions for shame can be socialization and cultural sensitivities. YU made me directly recall my early childhood cultural roots. At 16, my parents sent me to Berlin to study psychology at the Humboldt University. Even though I didn't have the same interests and needs as typical pubescents at 16, developmental psychological aspects may have left traces. I left my parental home, my homeland, my culture to follow in the footsteps of the greatest psychoanalysts in Germany.

Did YU's transference stir up repressed fears of loss in me?

Even now during the recording, I notice physical reactions rising in me. My heart and stomach tighten. A lump in my throat.

I don't want to dig any deeper. Not without YU.", Sam finishes the recording.

He lingers in his chair for a while, looking at his office.

The bare walls, the empty bookcase, the small desk, the bright windows, the door.

And his gaze slowly turns from the door back to the armchair across from him.

He sees the Japanese psychology student step through the threshold and walk gracefully toward the armchair.

He remained in the dark with each step in the bright room. As if he remained in the shadows.

Sam recalls that moment with a deeply sunken expression on his face.

'I can see you,' Sam says inwardly to the remembered YU.