The Psychology of Love

Chapter 23 Responsibility

Chapter 23    Responsibility

YU is lying close to Sam's chest, asleep. His face nestles against Sam's neck. His warmth and scent made YU feel safe. He holds onto Sam's chest.

YU's steady breathing makes Sam's skin dance drunkenly. While his heart still whimpers, his entire body still tingles from adrenaline.

He holds YU in his arms.

Sam breathes in relief.

And is happy.

Despite everything. Despite the fear. Despite the pain.

He holds YU in his arms.

Motionless, he listens to YU's calm, hot breath against his neck.

A weightlessness rises in Sam.

In symbiosis they float, surrounded by healing forces.

Forces they have located and released in each other.

Sam does not dare to move. He would have to send a message to Professor Dieckmann. He should not worry. He would so love to clean up YU's room so he doesn't get a scare when he wakes up. And he needs to go to the bathroom. Urgent. Even when he arrived at YU's.

But nothing matters now. He wants to let YU rest. And the feeling of him doing that in his arms gives Sam a sense of worth he's never felt on such a scale.

He thinks of all the awards and accolades he's received for his intellectual achievements. The clapping hands, the words of praise, the encouragements and prophecies of the future.

No moment of his past gave him that feeling.

The feeling of having arrived. To have made it. To be worth it.

To be worth having achieved the most valuable thing.

The feeling of being needed.

To be used by someone you need.

Give and take.

Consensual. Longing. Happy.

And Sam feels the magnitude of happiness unfolding in his body.

So this is what it feels like to experience your basic needs satisfied.

The deepest, most primal drive desires of every human being.

The hunger. The hunger for love. For recognition. For survival and creation.

Hunger, in all its forms and facets.

Sam lovingly strokes YU's hair.

His magnificent, silky hair tickles his cheek.

He wants so badly to touch it all over his body.

Whisper something to every inch of his skin with his hands.

Cradle him in safety. Satisfy his hunger.

And Sam is surprised by his own hunger. He feels himself blush at the thought of touching YU.

His moral authority, his superego, scolds with a raised forefinger, while his drive, his ES, openly shouts out his desires, his longing, his hunger.

And Sam has to mediate. Listen to both instances and make a decision.

With YU's mental state, it would be irresponsible to pursue his own needs. Sam needs to be there for him. Hold him in his arms. Give YU time. Be there for him when he breaks free.

Not giving in to his own cravings. While YU is still unstable, he must take a step back.

YU relived his cruel childhood in a flashback. He must now gradually slide back into the present. He must be ready. Want to be free.

Sam must not push him. Not push him. Not touch him with adult hands.

He locks his ES back into his cave. He points out that the time will come. They would still have each other all their lives.

And he nods to his superego. Agrees to be responsible. To be there for YU without being tempted to take.

Only giving, only wanting to give to him.

Giving time, giving strength, giving care.

And as he struggles with his inner self, he suddenly feels YU move.

He slowly rubs his face against Sam's neck and snuggles in even closer.

He presses his nose behind Sam's ear and takes a deep breath. As he exhales, he leaves a sea of tingles all over Sam's body.

His lips are pressed against Sam's neck.

A hot pressure of delight.

Sam closes his eyes and tries to regulate his pulse by conscious breathing.

Each breath of YU's triggers the flames within him. Hot embers blaze in his body, flooding his senses.

And before he has to admit to himself that he is aroused, he carefully seeks escape.

He puts his hand on YU's face and caresses his cheek, carefully pulling out his arm, which serves as a pillow for YU and surrounds him, replacing it with a pillow.

Love-struck, he looks at the sleeping YU. He tenderly brushes aside the strands of hair on YU's forehead and kisses him on the head.

The cold emptiness on his body makes him wistful. But the embrace became too dangerous and he had to resist the temptation.

He gets up and gathers several pillows scattered around the room.

Around YU, he builds him a cozy pillowscape. He wants him to feel warm and safe.

Quietly, he sneaks into the bathroom and while finally allowing his squeezing bladder to run its course, he peers at his cell phone.

It's two in the morning. He sees several messages from his German father on the cell phone.

He washes his hands and goes back into the room.

He doesn't want to leave YU alone. He wants to be there should he wake up.

Sam squats down and thinks for a moment. Plans the next steps. First, he has to answer Dieckmann and then devote himself to the devastation.

He writes Dieckmann a message and describes the night in rudimentary form. Then he looks around and begins to carefully pick up the books and put them on the shelves.

Without a system. There is no time for that and it is too dark. Just out of the way. Little by little, YU's shelves fill up and when there is no more room for the precious words of the books on the shelf, Sam starts building stacks. In front of the bookshelf, he stacks all the books together. He leans the wooden boards against the wall. He puts everything away and stands in YU's now free room.

Free and open to any path.

YU lies still in bed, asleep.

Sam feels his exhaustion take over. The sight of YU is so inviting. And so he decides to find his sleep in YU's arms.

It's four in the morning.

Sam carefully climbs into YU's single bed, frees him from the pillowscape, and snuggles up to him from behind. He puts his arm around YU's torso, places his hand on YU's heart, and nuzzles his nose against YU's neck.

He breathes his scent and feels his heartbeat against his hand.

With a relieved soul, he falls asleep.