The Psychology of Love

Chapter 37 Agreement

Chapter 37    Agreement

YU gives Sam a seductive smile and leads him down to the promenade.

Both of them walk along the promenade sprinkled with mutual attraction.

There are a lot of people out and about.

Parents with children running around, bicyclists, teenagers formatted into groups with loud music blaring from portable speakers and, of course, lovers.

Lovers holding each other's hands, engaged in conversation.

Sam follows his instinct and leads his hand to YU's.

The latter also longs to hold his hand, but thinks it's not proper. Same-sex love should not be shown openly.

In Japan, homosexuality is not morally condemned. Sexual relations between men have been common and accepted since the 9th century. Even in literature and art, these special preferences are celebrated. Only this special preference should not be shown openly.

Many create their own families and do not come out all their lives. They keep their special preference secret. They keep their secret like a treasure.

And even though YU feels exactly that he will admire and desire Sam all his life, that he has found the most precious treasure, he does not see himself in a position to openly show their special meeting. It's not proper. You don't do that.

And since he doesn't feel he's worth seeing anyway, hasn't experienced unconditional love, he wants to take Sam into his shadow. Would like to just drag Sam along. Hide him there. So that they are just for themselves. No one can see them.

Without the others, they are one.

He feels Sam's hand cautiously seeking his and discreetly pulls it back.

It hurts him, too. He feels Sam's disappointment.

Sam puts both hands together behind his back and looks at the Plötzensee. He knows he needs to talk to YU about this. But he doesn't know how to start. So he decides to let the sight of the light reflecting on the surface of the water and the empty branches of the tall trees blowing in the wind calm him down.

"Sam.", Sam hears YU calling after him, "You are not merely the psychoanalyst I admire. Not merely the comrade I've finally found. You are more. More than I could ever imagine. You are the only one I want to show myself to. You are the one I want to give myself to completely. I want to be with you. I want to belong only to you. And I want you to be only mine, please," YU boldly confesses.

He hopes to appease Sam with his deepest feelings.

"Fully and completely. But not in public. You want a secret relationship?" asks Sam.

They walk past the small lake into a large, spacious park.

"I want you just for me. We just found each other, didn't we? Let's live our private lives privately. In college, we do research together. After college, we'll explore each other.", YU suggests, chuckling a little at his suggestion.

He grabs Sam by the arm and pulls him to a very tall tree with a thick trunk.

Sam looks up and searches the sky for the highest branch.

He hears YU whisper to him:

"Sam Lin showed me the way. He is the most precious gift in my life. Give me time. I want you just for me. Enjoy everything about you. Let me be just yours. Give me time."

Sam feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand up and a tingling sensation spreads across his body.

YU's attraction fires his senses.

His words his mind.

He places his hand on the trunk of the ancient tree. He wonders what YU usually feels when he rests his hand on a tree.

YU checks the surroundings unnoticed and finally puts his hand on Sam's.

Both of them stand side by side in front of the old tree towering into the sky and touch its trunk, touching each other.

"I'm giving you your time. I want you to know that I want you. You are the first person who made me feel. Through you I find the way to my own feelings and needs. And everything in me is directed towards you. I want only you. And want to be only yours. Free and open. I want the whole world to know. But if you're not ready, then I'll wait for you. I want to wait.", Sam reveals himself and directs his gaze to YU.

"I want to make a agreement with you though," he says seriously.

YU's eyes widen.

"I want you to get therapy. A psychoanalysis. And it can't be me who therapizes you. My feelings are too deep for you.", Sam confesses, blushing and gathering the courage to continue, "I want a free love, YU. I want to love you freely and I want you to love me freely. And you are not free. Your past is imprisoning you. Please work through your pain in therapy and breathe free. I will always stand by your side. Waiting for you to be ready. Ready for our free love."

Sam looks into YU's trembling eyes and decides to keep talking.

"And for that long, I want it to be on your terms. I don't touch you in public. Don't share my food with you. Don't show you my affection. Secretly. Private. We do research together in college as comrades. And no one sees our attraction to each other," Sam says in a low, wistful tone.

YU feels a screaming hunger. He wants to hug him. To never let him go.

He will do anything for that. He wants Sam just for himself. Anything he would do for that.

"There's a great psychoanalyst who also prices Dieckmann high. I'll give you her number," Sam says, watching YU's tears roll.

"And I'm not even allowed to give you a hug now? Isn't that what comrades do? I want to hold you," Sam asks honestly.

"I'm getting weak and I can't control myself," YU replies, "Let's go to my place. I want to be in your arms too. And more."

Sam takes a deep breath and nods.

They walk the path back to the car.

"You really are a mean turtle. Luring me and then trying to keep me hidden," Sam growls as they walk.

YU giggles and whispers to him:

"What do you want me to do? I don't want everyone to see my slug. Only I want to be allowed to see you naked. I have to keep you hidden. Your slime is all mine."

Sam laughs up and shakes his head.

YU gives him a Knuppi.

"I mean it. Only I get to see you," YU hisses.

Sam squints at him from the side and grins.

"Quite the possessive turtle." he replies.

"I'll show you why you're mine. You won't want it any other way. You'll only want me.", YU breathes to Sam and looks deep into his eyes.

Sam feels a wild excitement making waves inside him.

No, he doesn't find YU creepy, he finds him indescribably exciting.

Attractive.

More so every moment.

He is no longer the master of himself. He notices that clearly.

He belongs to YU now. Just as YU belongs to him.

And he ignores the quiet voice of reason.

They will make it.

YU will be able to break free from the dark, self-destructive imprints.

He will be free.

They will be able to love each other freely.