The Psychology of Love

Chapter 20 Fire

Chapter 20   Fire

Sam looks into the small mirror on his shelf for the 3rd time. He tugs and pulls at his black shirt.

Several times he has undone and re-tied the top three buttons of his shirt. Better to have just one button. Or two is okay, too. But with three buttons undone, he's showing too much skin. He sees his Adam's apple bouncing in the mirror every time he swallows.

And he has to swallow all the time.

He swallows his excitement. His heart flutters. His stomach tingles. His hands are sweaty.

He rubs his hands on his black pants, looking forward to holding YU's cold hand in his warm one.

Today they will both shine in black.

He chose his clothes purposefully today. Wanted to feel closer to YU in the black veil.

Sam looks at the clock above the practice door.

5:56 pm.

A slight disappointment trickles over his skin.

Four minutes to go and YU hasn't knocked yet. I guess he won't be coming in early this time.

Sam tries to calm himself down. YU must still be pissed. Doesn't want to seem so impatient this time. I'm sure he'll be on time. And even if he's late, he can forgive YU everything.

Show him that he stands by his side unconditionally.

Sam puts his hands on his face and tries to calm his breathing. Never in his life has he felt such massive excitement. Why does his body have to react so extremely. It's as if his brain is playing tricks on him.

In anticipation of meeting YU, his heart is passionately feverish.

Constantly, he sees images in his mind.

Images of YU's face.

His beautiful eyes.

His cheeks. His chin.

His mouth.

Sam surrenders to his fantasies with an increased heartbeat.

He peers at the therapy couch and sees YU's body resting on him.

And he allows himself a glimpse of his deepest desires.

As he walks toward him.

Kneeling down in front of the couch.

And touches YU.

Placing his hand on his tender, black-covered chest.

Feeling his heartbeat on his hand.

Looking into his eyes. Losing himself.

Laying his head on YU's chest.

Whispering words to him.

Telling him he's sorry. That he should forgive him. That he has overcome his fear.

Showing him that he now understands. That he now knows he doesn't have to run away. That he needs him.

That he would go through hell for him.

He feels YU's cold hand on his head.

He strokes his face.

Forgives him.

Tells him that he missed him too. Also longingly suffocated without him.

And Sam lets YU's sound float inside him.