Behind the skies and lies

Kabanata 40

Memories of us watching the sky wave back to my memory. It was our first picnic. This might be a suitable definition of my feelings for Rad. It seems like a sky—vast, boundless, and ever-changing. And even in its darkest times, there is always the promise of a new dawn, a reminder that love, like the sky, is endless and full of infinite possibilities.

But I can't. I can't accept that I will lose him at it. Literally.

Hindi ako dumilat kahit na magkamalay ako. Hindi dahil sa ayaw ko lang, pero dahil hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kayang dumilat kung hindi ko lang din siya makikita.

"She's been sleeping for 48 hours. Is that even good?" rinig kong tanong ni Mommy.

"Tita Lalaina, as her attending doctor, I would like to refer her to a psychologist in the meantime. I have already discussed po sainyo ang kondisyon niya. We have already checked. They are safe and healthy. She should be awake by now, but I'm worried that my referral should be facilitated to further assess her mental aspect."

"Oh God..."

Regret filled me. It comes with denial.

Dapat ay hindi na ako nawala ng ilang araw. Kung sana ay hindi ako nalungkot, hindi ko siya sobrang mamimiss ngayon dahil alam ko namang babalik siya. Hindi ko alam kung kailan pero alam ko, nararamdaman ko.

I should've told him I love him too, every day. Every time we wake up. Every night, we will fall asleep. Every time, we will make love.

I should've held him more tightly. Only his touch and hug can satiate me.

We should've gone on more dates.

Bakit ko ba iniisip ito? Am I subconsciously accepting it again? He is still alive! Lahat ng gusto kong gawin ay gagawin pa namin magkasama. Hindi pwedeng magsisisi ako ngayon. It is not late for us.

"Our initial diagnosis for this is a psychological reaction to extreme grief and shock. This reaction can include denial, a deep sense of loss, and an overwhelming desire to avoid facing the painful reality. This state could be part of a condition known as "acute stress reaction", where the person is temporarily unable to process the traumatic event. Meaning, your daughter is conscious and awake, but as a coping mechanism, she's avoiding this situation, and this is also her reaction to the event."

"Are you saying that my daughter can hear us right now?" si Daddy.

"Yes, sir, possibly. We will need further assessment of your daughter's condition before providing pharmacologic interventions. We also need to collaborate first with her doctors. As for now, we would like to encourage you to stay with the patient. She needs social and emotional support."

Their voices became softer and more subtle until the only thing I could hear was my breathing.

I heard a lot of familiar voices, but none of them made me open my eyes.

What's taking him too long?

"Anak..."

Agad nagbara ang lalamunan ko. Basag ang boses ni Daddy. Naramdaman ko ang paghawak niya sa kamay ko.

"I'm regretting to let you grow in your own. Dapat ay kasama mo kami araw araw. Don't get me wrong. You grew up so well. A fine young lady. I...I just can't accept how irresponsible I am as your father."

Unting unti kong naramdaman ang pagtulo ng luha ko. Agad iyon sinalo ni Daddy.

"I know you can hear me. We will do our best to find him, anak. Kailangan niyang bumalik, mag iinuman pa kaming dalawa. Kikilatisin ko pa. Baka hamunin ko pa ng suntukan kung talagang kaya ka niyang buhayin."

Ganito ang nangyari, iba ibang tao ang kumakausap sa akin. Mga kaibigan, pinsan at pamilya.

"You bitch!" singhal ni Cass. "I knew it! You really did it! Tinanggi mo pa ha. Nilandi mo talaga si Rad noon. Kaya ngayon...hmp!"