This is my truth

If only

Dear Daddy,
    What if you hadn't called me ugly?
What if you had nurtured me instead.
Would I be a different person?
Would I have made the same mistakes?
Maybe my self worth wouldn't have crumbled.
The times my Mom drove around all night to your different hangouts looking for you, making me go in to see if you were there.
Having to look you dead in the eye & then go out & tell her you weren't there.
You had no idea what that did to me.
I wanted to protect you.
Even at the cost of my own inner peace.
But I couldn't understand why you didn't want to be at home with me.
I loved it when you were home, laying on the couch laughing at dumb tv shows & eating ketchup sandwiches.
Emily at your feet & my mom at peace doing her search a word puzzles.
When times were peaceful life with you was beautiful.
She hit me so much when you weren't home.
She always wanted you to be mad at me when you'd get home & the thought of it made me feel so uneasy inside.
My chronic stomach aches were not a lie.
I was not faking.
You guys caused me so much stress I likely had an ulcer.
My tummy always felt sour.
I just wanted you guys to feel happy & love each other like you did in the beginning.
If you hadn't been so cold hearted to her...
But she was so mean to you you couldn't have been more kind.
The fact that you never hit her earned all of my respect.
I love that you never raised your voice.
I appreciate you leaving to save a fight from happening.
I'm glad she hit me & not you.
I was jealous of the dog because she was so much nicer to her.
It's ok to tell the truth.
It's ok to say that I didn't like everything.
Thanks for letting me climb so many trees & for taking me on a rollercoaster for the first time!
It was me & you in it together taking care of her.
We did our best.
And she knew we loved her.
Thanks for making my father stay away.
I can't imagine the damage he would have done to me.
I could never have loved him more than you.
You were my everything.
Right up until the end.
I didn't say all of the things I wanted to say to you as you were dying.
But I know you knew.
I feel you with me.
I know that I'm strong because of you.
I held so incredibly much guilt knowing that you stayed with her for me.
I've let it go though.
Because it wasn't doing me any good and I believe that you would want only good for me.
Thank you for sacrificing so much to be my Dad.
I really needed you.
And you were an angel.
A terribly grumpy angel!
But an angel none the less.
I have to wonder how different things would have been had people been nice to you more.
Especially my mom.
I tell myself that there are no mistakes.
That everything happens for a reason.
That there is a much bigger purpose.
Because the fact is that she was mentally ill.
She could not be different.
She could not be nicer sometimes.
She felt so enraged by the scary rollercoaster of a life she had lived before you.
She had also been hurt so bad!
Too many people took advantage of her.
Too many people abandoned her.
Too many people hurt her.
Too many people couldn't accept her.
She felt like she didn't belong anywhere and no one wanted her.
She struggled so much in her relationship with you.
She wanted you to understand her.
But you couldn't.
She went crazy trying to explain herself.
She felt trapped & alone.
We could have helped her to feel less alone by giving her more love & compassion.
But she made it so hard to feel close to her.
Her lashes were precise & cruel & always left a giant wound.
It least it wasn't every day.
At least there were some good times.
But you both deserve better lives & so did I.
I know you knew she hit me too much.
She backhanded me in the nose and made it bleed right in front of you & you put your head down.
I saw that it broke your heart.
Thank you for keeping your mouth shut.
I wanted to be mad at you for not standing up for me but it would have agitated her more.
I'm sorry for the time she threw the food that you cooked for us on the kitchen floor.
I'm sorry for stealing your bicentennial quarters.
It just felt so good to be able to go to the penny candy store & buy something that tasted good.
It was a great escape from my pain.
I'm sorry for all the times I snuck into your room & stole your tshirts to wear.
I know it really pissed you off!
But I felt so cool in them.
I wanted to be like you!
So diligent in being good to people & being patient & tolerant.
You were an exceptional person.
Your mom must have been so proud of you!
I wish I could have gotten to know her.
Remember when I got my first job?
The first thing I bought with my first paycheck was a pair of boots for you.
I appreciate you more every day.
Thank you for taking me places & never yelling at me or hitting me.
Thank you for taking me to get my first tattoo at 16yrs old & never questioning me.
Thank you for all the motorcycle rides.
Thank you for all the Christmas presents!
For taking me camping and to the movies.
Thank you for cutting my light string & teaching me that the dark can't hurt me.
Once I was over my fear I learned to enjoy being alone in the dark.
Thank you for teaching me how to carry my bike up & down the stairs & for making sure that I had one.
Thank you for taking care of me when I was sick.
Thank you for holding my hand when I was little & for carrying me until I got too big.
Thank you for teaching me to respect people.
Especially my elders.
Thank you for loving dogs & babies!
Thank you for every treasure you gave me.
For every present you couldn't afford to buy but did anyways.
Thank you for showing me you loved me in the ways that you knew how.
Just, thank you.
For everything.
Love always,
Your kiddo
♥️🌹♥️
I love you so so much