This is my truth

The kick and betrayal

When I was 4 my mother kicked me for the first time. It was a hard kick that lifted me up off the floor & landed me against the book shelf. It was so shocking that I instantly went numb. The worse part of it was that my cousins were watching. The numbness took care of the physical pain but emotionally it felt like a hot knife in my heart. Everyone watching knew that my mother didn't love me and it hurt. That was the day that I created the safety bubble that I kept my heart locked up in for so many years. I learned that I was not safe. No one cared to protect me. My mom never kicked me again after that but, I always expect her foot to come flying at me at any moment though & if I flinched when she passed me she'd slap me & tell me to stop acting like she abused me. There was no room for error in my life, she slapped at me for mistakes that I made and sometimes just because I was there. The year that I was 4 was also the first time that I saw adults doing adult things together. The first time was at a strangers house. There were several people there, my mother took me into a bedroom and sat me on the floor In the corner and left the room. When she came back she had a young man with her & they climbed onto the bed together. I had a bottle cap & 3 pennies in my hand & I sat with my head down stacking the pennies inside the bottle cap & then dumping them out. My mother & the young man kept their clothes on but they kissed & touched each other. I knew enough to know that it was wrong & she was betraying my daddy. It felt like a heavy, heavy burden to me to be aware of her betrayal & know that I couldn't tell him. Those 2 incidents, the kick & the betrayal are what snapped me into reality & conscious thought. Before those incidents I was an innocent child, after, I was no longer innocent & i no longer felt like a child. I became a shield when she would steal from stores & I had to memorize fake alibis when she took me with her to meet men. She was out of control & desperately searching for something or someone to help her feel better. I was a forced accomplice. Forced to lie to my daddy & forced to be quiet. I did not feel safe & I did not feel loved. I didn't like helping her steal from stores. The fear & anxiety would give me terrible stomach aches that hurt so bad that I'd curl up In a ball & moan & cry. I couldn't eat or sleep, I couldn't focus at school & I felt terribly lost & alone. I'd like to say that my 5th year was better but when I started school it got much, much worse. By the time that I was 5 I already believed that I was an ugly monster and when I started school it was quickly confirmed by my peers that I was definitely an ugly monster. I had viral warts all over my hands, especially my fingers. No one wanted to touch me, no one wanted to share crayons with me & no one wanted to be my friend. When we played ring around the rosey or duck duck goose everyone refused to touch me. I was left feeling isolated, lonely & I shrank further & further away from the world. There was nowhere for me to turn. I had no one on my side.