Today
This moment
My breath is profound in itself because it still passes
Out and in
My lungs burn
Shapely visions slay demons in my head
Outwardly passing
Or passed
Snapped twigs
Silently
Eyes wandering
I was scared my unconscious thoughts were conniving
Always against me
Fear caught fire inside me
My heart was stuck on surviving
Blinded
By agony
Just too many bad things
Too much exposed to me
By those who didn't know how to love me
I never want to blame them
They were busy healing their bad things
Like me
Surviving
I'm sitting here inviting dead poets to write with me
Intercepting paths blindly
Bumper cars in the night
Heads are thrown back by people laughing
Mac Miller spinning
Fingers tracing the lines of everything
Death is scary
I think I was on the Titanic
Watching men deal with what was happening
Maybe they didn't want women to learn anything because they wanted them to have to depend on them
But I promise you
A woman would never have crashed a ship of people into their ending
And she would have made damn sure there were enough life rafts for everyone
It's amazing how people can be so dumb
I lost the days of thinking nothing bad could ever happen
Night terrors kept me at my mother's window
The one I feared she would jump through
I had to be silent
Keep secret the memories she made me live through
I do
Carry them to my grave
Behind the lips that I've had to lie through
For my mother, I would do anything
So her spirit could live on recklessly
Free from all of the things that kept her tethered to me
Somewhere back our ancestors are clapping for her & telling her she can do anything
They're protecting and sheltering her
Raising her so high
I always wanted to see her reach up to touch the sky
She was so beautiful when she shined
She was mine
Even when she hated me
She was so unkind
Repairing her damage has taken my whole lifetime
The memory of her biting me never leaves my mind
But memories of her laughing come right behind
To her long division was simple
But my processing was behind
The words "put on a long sleeve shirt"
Made me hurt
Surrounded by laughing
All-day pain shadowing
Lunch line blues
Wishing I could be swallowed up
Feeling like I had nothing to lose
Alone
In my shoes
Free on the inside
Even though I'm bruised
We all have the hard things that we go through
Bad decisions that we make
Mistakes that we have to go through
The human experience is enlightening
The way you can fit a story into a song is heightening
So many artists I love save the world through their writing
I'm still alive because of them
Movement in spirit
God, a single breath in me
Renewed second by second
Each time
My spine is fused
I get so scared I feel trapped inside
Dancing and painting
That is how creation unwinds
Through me gleefully
Cuz anger can't get a hold of me
In my head, I'm always praying
Asking only that everything be ok
The Our Father is what I pray
To every ancestor
In every step I take
Even though some church people say I'm a shame
I'm not ashamed
Judgment & blame are simple
Difficult to attain by someone who is truly humble
I am
Cuz of all of my many fumbles
Each one taught me a lesson
As far as tomorrow goes
It's a present
YOU ARE READING
This is my truth
Non-FictionMy life has been an intense journey from a little girl who was beaten down and abused into believing that she was worthless, to a woman at 43 years of age who is still desperately searching for who she truly is. I found her though. I did. And she wr...
