This is my truth

The lunch line

Home was not a sanctuary.
School was not a sanctuary.
My 5th grade year I was held back for missing too much school.
My mom was agoraphobic and didn't leave the house and she didn't like being alone.
She liked having me nearby.
She let me stay home from school alot!
I don't blame her either.
Her mind was not stable and people were not always nice to her.
The people who had been her friends backed away and so did she.
Straight into seclusion.
All day, every day...
She sat on her bed and watched TV.
And she ate!
Too much 💔
She always turned to food!
Sometimes there was hardly any.
But sometimes there was plenty!
There was lunch guaranteed at school but there were always bullies guaranteed at school.
In the classroom it wasn't so bad.
Us kids were well supervised in class.
The day that this class picture was taken I wore this unicorn outfit for the first time.
It was such a treat!
Usually my mom picked my clothes and I didn't like them.
I never argued.
I just wore what she wanted because it made her happy.
I got to pick this outfit 🥰
And I was so happy to wear it and take school pictures!
I didn't know that I was as fat as I was.
I could still climb trees and run & roller skate & ride my bike.
When I saw this picture for the first time I cried.
My Mom suggested a diet.
My unicorn outfit didn't look the way it felt on me 💔
The bottom was a skirt and it must have been short in the back.
Probably because my butt was fat.
Standing in the lunch line I heard the same things as always.
"So & so is gonna kick your ass today after school".
"So & so said your ugly"
"so & so called you fat"
"so & so hates you"
I knew I didn't fit in at school.
I knew that most kids didn't like me.
I wasn't a pretty girl.
I wasn't a popular girl.
On the way back to class after lunch that day the kid behind me laughed at me as we climbed the stairs!
"I can see your underwear and your fat butt"!!!
I was so mortified that I wanted to run!!!
And hide!!!!
Someone saw my underwear 😟
And A little girls underwear are a private matter!
I felt so exposed!
It was bad enough that so & so was gonna kick my ass already 😣
But now everyone was talking about my underwear and my fat butt too 💔
I didn't want to go home.
But at least the only one who wanted to kick my ass at home was my mom!
And she at least loved me.
That unicorn outfit meant everything to me that morning.
But after lunch it made me feel so stupid and ugly.
I had an escape though.
The nurses office.
I could always convince the school nurse to let me go home.
I was good at sneaking the thermometer tip between two pieces of fabric and rubbing it to make friction and heat!
99 degrees was the pass to go home.
Piece of cake!
Freedom from my school bullies meant everything to me!
It meant that at the end of my 5th grade year my teacher would take me into the coat room and say the words "I'm forced to hold you back due to your attendance".
My heart shattered at those words 💔 but then I realized that my bullies would move on without me.
What a relief 💫
Maybe for once my stomach wouldn't hurt all day ☺️
Maybe I could finally have the chance to shine🌟
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad being left behind.