This is my truth

1980

I'm pretty sure somewhere around 1980 was when my mom told me to stop letting the prostitutes outside of Steak & Eggs hug & kiss me. It may have been 82 or 83 but somewhere in that time frame. I spent most days at Steak & Eggs at some point when I wasn't at school or home in my earlier childhood years. The front lawn was nice while my Uncle Wolf was the manager and I loved to spend my time outside doing cartwheels or sitting on the fence or roller skating in the parking lot of the mortuary next door. I was always outside no matter where my Mom took me. I just wanted to get outside always! I've always felt like a caged animal when I'm inside. Out front was a common spot for the prostitutes and of course I loved chatting with anyone & everyone back then. I loved them all because they talked to me and paid attention to me & hugged me & were nice to me. When aids came into awareness my Mom told me to stop hugging & kissing them (little cheek pecks, remember that I was a little girl & it was completely innocent). I realize now that it really stuck with me & made me become a way less affectionate person. Being pushed away my entire childhood by the people who were supposed to pull me in really damaged me. I am not special or unique in this way. It happens to many of us. The only consolation is that many of us grew up to be pretty boss individuals! For that I'm thankful. Prostitutes gave me love & nurtured me during the years that my mom pushed me away while she sat at the counter at Steak & Eggs. All I had to do was go outside to get a hug most of the time! I still feel all their hugs 🥰 their love shined light in my dark inner world where I couldn't find peace. I wasn't sheltered enough. I was very over exposed. I live with big fears & phobias over things that some people would say was silly. Like toilets!  Especially automatic flushers! But I'm happy to be alive. I miss my mom and I really really miss Steak & Eggs! I miss walking the sidewalks with my dad. I miss the group of Italian guys who hung out at the corner of my street. I miss playing kickball in my backyard with my friends. I miss playing hide & go seek in the dark and I miss playing tag & double Dutch & I miss the street lights outside of my apartment. I miss sitting on my front steps on the perfect spring afternoon enjoying the air around me & appreciating its stillness. I miss the awning that hung above my head. I miss seeing my uncle bills car pull up & I miss waiting for my grandma to pull into the backyard cuz my stepdad always gave her his parking spot. I miss our dog Emily. I felt so envious of the love & affection that my mom gave to her. I wanted my moms love & I didn't get it. I had to walk the dog that she gave all of her love to. It never felt fair. I'm glad I never took my feelings out of the dog. I loved her 🥰 I loved my mom too. What I wouldn't do to go back in time to the first time my stepdad let me ride on the back of his motorcycle & we pulled up in front of our apartment. My mom was pissed! I was only 4. But I remember it well and at the time I felt really proud of myself because it meant that he really trusted me to hold on to him tight. Thank goodness he was there to keep me in line & guide me or I would have grown up to be one hell of a tornado! My mom wanted way too much from him. And she wasn't happy with anything that she had. It wasn't anyone's fault. Not even hers. We knew.
And we loved her all the way through to the end 💜