This is my truth

God knows where i am

I just watched a movie that shook me to my core.
It was called "God knows where I am".
It was a true story, about a schizophrenic woman's final days after she was released from a mental hospital. She spent her final days alone, in an abandoned house with only apples to eat. She eventually died alone, from starvation. It got me thinking so much about my mom! And how I stood by her and pushed her to see therapists & psychiatrists & take her medication! I even went to therapy with her just so she'd go! My mother was severely mentally ill. She was every bit as Ill as ill as the woman in this movie. She was delusional. She was very paranoid. And she didn't really trust anyone enough to let them know. Except for me. She tried to behave normally but she always struggled in her relationships. People were drawn to her because she was so open with everyone. But eventually most people would start to be mean to her because she was pretty annoying sometimes 🤷‍♀️
She couldn't help it 🙃
She always thought people were thinking bad of her & that they were against her. She could be the sweetest nicest lady in the world but she had a mouth like a venemous snake when she was mad! This movie really got me thinking about my mom so much! She was like a giant hurricane in my life! Always wanting me to be mad at someone because she was mad at them! Always wanting to pull me into her fights! Always trying to get me upset because she was upset! It was like she wanted me to always prove to her that I understood what she was feeling! Being understood was the most important thing in the world to her! But she was SO complex 😣 she was not always easy to understand. And most of the people in her life gave up on trying. She had some good, good, good and genuine friends who truly loved her though. She had me. And those people ♥️
All my life she struggled with her mental health. All my life I witnessed it. All my life I was affected by it. Her addiction to drugs and her addiction to men and her addiction to food & people she was obsessed with and her ordering from catalogs & scratch off tickets & stealing from stores & UGH!!!! She was such a whirl wind in my life! She was downright bat shit crazy sometimes and would get so mad at me for telling her that it wasn't possible for Steven Tyler to send her messages through the TV!!!! Or that her neighbors shutting their porch lights off was NOT because she did something wrong & they were mad at her 😑 she would get so mad at me for not believing her. And she was obsessed with taking about these things to try to convince me. One day while I was at work she called my cell phone over 10 times while I was assisting with a patient!!!! I could hear my phone vibrating in the other room 😣 I knew she was gonna be mad when I called her back ☹️ and she was! "What if it was an emergency!!!!"! I would beg & plead with her to not call my phone over and over. I literally went to therapy for this!!!! She would call me over and over and over again just to try to convince me that her neighbors were mad at her! And I would tell her, they love you. No one is mad at you. It's ok even if they are mad at you. Everything will be fine tomorrow! Every single day I would remind her that no one was mad at her. I broke SO many phones out of frustration! I never wanted to lose my patients with her because I knew that she couldn't help herself! But she didn't understand how she was taking me away from my family 💔 she didn't care if I had a sick sleeping baby on me. She expected me to drop everything when she called. To this day when my phone rings my heart starts to race & I think "Mommy's calling" and now that she's gone I wish to God that she was!!!! I am grateful for the patience that God granted me that kept me from being mean to her. She trusted me. She trusted me not to hurt her. And I wanted with all of my heart to honor her trust by never being mean to her. She drove me so crazy 🤪 but I loved her so damn much! She was my baby ♥️ she was never really capable of being a very loving mother for most of my life. But in her last few years she sure tried. And she did most definely show me how much she loved me. Thank God she was mine. She was so different. And so special. Truly joyful when she wasn't sad. Always ready to laugh & joke! She loved me & my kids more than anything. And she was so incredibly worth every single broken telephone 💛 I miss her so bad it hurts all the way down to my very core. I feel her missing from me 💔 and seeing her laying on a gourney in a cold freezer broke my heart so bad 💔 I want to put my arms around her and kiss her soft cheek one more time. I even wish she could call me!!!! I have learned that I am at God's mercy. And I will never be done healing. It's ok though. I'd do it all over again for her. And I know I'll see her again. I am blessed to live with the memories of us during the good times. Every day I thank God for those!