This is my truth

6

The year that I was 6 years old my friend Ziggy was killed by a delivery truck. Right outside of my apartment. We were told that he turned out of my driveway on his bike, into the street, right into the truck. He fell and his head landed in front of the back tires of the big heavy truck. He was probably in my back yard looking for me... But I had a birthday party to go to that day. He didn't know that though 💔 he was killed instantly. I've always felt responsible. I don't even know for sure that he was looking for me. He used to come over and let me ride his bike ♥️ he was so nice to me! He never said mean things. We liked each other very much and when he died I was shook to my core! Every single day I had to look at the place in the street where he died. I saw a cop scrape part of his brain off the street and into a plastic bag. At 5 I knew what human brain looked like. I knew what it felt like to lose a friend. I knew what it felt like to be kicked and called names. I knew that dogs can bite you unexpectedly. I knew that my friend Ziggy was probably looking for me that day. They say live for today & tomorrow, not the past. But when your soul is rocked that hard at such a young age the damage can be too great to ever fully fix. Therefore it is a permanent part of you. I don't think of damage when I think of Ziggy though ♥️ I think of my first little boyfriend who was so nice to me. I think of all of the trees I climbed after he was gone & I imagine that his spirit was with me yelling "go higher" Through every single thing that I've gone through since that day he was with me. I'm blessed to think of him every single day and to have his spirit to carry in my heart & my soul. He is forever engrained in me. His kindness was like a lifeboat in my stressful young life. Starting the 1st grade without him was hard. The teacher asked me where he was as my mom was waking me through the classroom door on the 1st day of school and I replied somberly "he died". Then I went and found my seat. I was too numb to cry. Too scared to believe anyone cared about me. I inverted. So quietly that no one even noticed. Deep inside of myself I stayed. Watching that day play over and over again in my head 💔 it's still in my head like it happened yesterday. It always will be. I'll always carry him with me. When I think of that day today I think of all of the joy that I bring by spreading the kindness that he always gave to me. Maybe he wasn't looking for me that day. Either way I carry him with me. His spirit will stay alive for me until my very last breath. And then we will see each other again.