Way Back Home

33

A lot happened last year and I thought I couldn't survive. In a month, I felt that I changed a lot. I, Auntie and Uncle, my foster parents, noticed it too. As I realized a lot of things.  Realizations knock up into my sense, which leads me up to silence.

I realized, upon all those years I have been living my life. I realized I was never afraid to be alone, I was afraid to be left behind and be lonely after the joy they gave me. Issues after issues, and tragedies after tragedies. It created a big impact on my life, called trauma.  

Recalling how I broke down in front of my foster parents, I was embarrassed. I felt like I was just a living disappointment in their lives. I was supposed to marry first before engaging in sex, but I got pregnant, leaving my job. And when they accepted my fate to finally be a mother, I lost my child. I became jobless.

I finally accepted my fate to be the living disappointment to everyone. And this may be my destiny.

Leaving the country is the main priority. After everything I've been through, I decided to take a break and breathe. And it's been a month. I booked a flight to the United States, where my modeling agency is located.

Habang nag-iimpake ako ng aking mga damit ay may narinig akong kumatok sa aking pintuan kaya pansamantala kong iniwan ang ginagawa at binuksan iyon. It was Auntie Susan, looking at the mess I made.

"Sigurado ka na ba talaga dyan sa plano mo, anak?" her voice was gentle, making my heart soft.

Pagod akong ngumiti sa kanya. "Kailangan ko po, Auntie. Para sa kapanatagan na rin ng aking loob. Tsaka baka pwede pa rin po akong mag-model sa agency nila kasi wala na naman po 'yong bata." sagot ko sa kanya at wala sa sariling hinaplos ang aking tiyan.

Pakiramdam ko ay tutulo na naman iyong mga luha ko ng wala sa oras kaya iniwas ko ang tingin sa kanya at tumingin sa kisame. Hanggang sa napadpad ito sa isang bahagi ng kuwarto ko kung saan ko inilagay iyong ibang pinamili at bigay na gamit pangbata na sana. Halos iyon ay galing kay Rawl at sa ibang malapit na kaibigan ko. Doon ko hindi napigilan ang iyak ko. Hindi na ako tinablan pa ng hiya.

She helped me to calm down and when she succeeded, she left me to give myself time. She knows that I can't and won't be able to share my problems with everyone. I rather keep it myself.

Danes and I kept in contact. He offered me to stay in his unit but I declined. Hindi dahil baka makita ng mga paparazzi kung hindi ay wala pang nakakabili ng akin.

Nagpahinga lang ako sa unang araw ko dahil sa pagod at puyat na nadarama ko sa araw. Wala pang isang taon pero pakiramdam ko ay hindi na ako nasasanay sa matagal na byahe sa ere. I can't even sleep on the plane!

The next day, I woke up when I heard my bell rang. And even my phone ringing. I answered it when I saw it was Danes, and walked to the door. I used the peephole to see who's coming before I decided to open it.

Bumungad sa akin si Danes na tago ang mukha at nakasuot pa ng malaking hood at nakasuot ng itim na salamin!

Akmang yayakap sa akin ng bigla na lang nag-iba ang aking pakiramdam at naduwal. Patakbo akong pumunta sa banyo at nagsimulang magsuka.

Nakita ko siya sa pintuan ng banyo ko na namumutla. Tila hindi ba niya alam kung ano ang kanyang gagawin. Agad naman akong nagmumog bago pa naisipang kausapin siya.

"Do you have spare clothes? No offense but I don't like your scent."

Instead of greeting him with a warm hug. Ganito ang naging salubong ko sa kanya. Pinagtaasan lang ako nito ng kilay at umalis nang nakangisi.

Naabutan ko itong walang damit pang-itaas. Then he flexed his abs in front of me when he saw me looking at him.

"Like what you are seeing woman?"