Overdose (BXB) Completed/Editing

Chapter 39 - Forgiveness

Overdose - Chapter 39

-Alex-

Three weeks ago, Chester turned himself in for the aggravated assault that resulted in Jackson being paralyzed from the waist down. His mugshot has been playing on almost every news channel. Some of the students on Jackson's campus were even interviewed saying they heard when the gun was fired. Some said they saw him at the football game. And some said they saw him pull the trigger. They've denied him bond pending his transfer to face the charges against him. The news says Jackson was released from the hospital and is now back at home. He is now in a wheelchair, but his parents told the news that they'd be paying for the best physical therapists in there to get him on his feet again. They're hopeful but everyone knows that it'll be highly unlikely.

I should be happy, right? I should feel some twisted contentment with hearing that the man who turned my life into a nightmare got hurt, right? Was it rewarding to hear that he'll never again participate in the sport that made him who he is? Am I thankful for the man who hurt him?

"No, I'm not. How could I be happy about that? Maybe I would have been a few months ago."

"A few months ago, when you wanted to hurt him?" Dr. Hayes asks with a knowing stare. I remain quiet. She knows the answer so there's no need to confirm it. "Is it possible that you're not happy because you weren't the one to take what he loves away from him? Do you resent Chester for doing what you couldn't?"

"Are you assuming that I'm upset because I wasn't the one who put a bullet in Jackson's spine? If so, your assumption is wrong. I wanted to put a bullet in his head..." The words scare me as they come out of my mouth with conviction and carelessness.

"There's nothing anyone can do to Jackson to make him feel even a quarter of my pain. Of course, I want him to suffer for what he did to me, but no amount of suffering will ever be equal to how he made me feel. He took two years to make me hate living, he's only been in a wheelchair for a week."

"What it sounds like to me is that you're still holding on to the rage you feel towards him. Maybe the issue is that you're not satisfied with what happened. But then I also sense regret, empathy even. You loved him, regardless of the things he did to you, love was still very strong in your heart and the heart is not easily convinced."

I remain quiet again because she's right. Lately, I've felt frustrated with my restlessness. My inability to feel how I felt the first time I fell in love. I look at Nico and he's everything I've ever dreamed of but...I don't love him. Why don't I love him?

"What's on your mind, Alex? These sessions are to help you express yourself, your silence may communicate some things but not everything."

I look up into her light brown eyes. She feels strongly maternal. Most of the time, she stares at me like I'm her son. Like she regrets the things that have happened to me and that she wasn't there to comfort me. Then again, she's probably mirroring the things that I've told her about my mom.

"I'm thinking about Nico."

"What about him? I presume things are better between you two?"

"Yes. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me but...my heart doesn't feel that. I can see it in his eyes that he doesn't believe me when I say things like "I miss you" or "you're everything I've ever wanted". How can I say those things but not love him?"

"It's like I said, the heart is not easily convinced. It was convinced that Jackson would be the love of your life until the very end. It was convinced that he would never hurt you. He was your first love and the kind of love you felt for him ignited because of the added chemicals of narcotics. As you fell in love with Jackson, your addiction to the things that made you feel good when you were with him also blossomed. With Nico, there's no added artificial support. Your relationship with him is completely natural."