The Leftovers

26: DESOLATION

XEN'S POV

In just a blink of my eye, I have lost everything. I've lost my very reason to keep my sanity. The woman that makes every minute of my life inestimable has now perished. 

"Sir," pukaw ng major sa aking katinuan. "Are you certain of her identity?" 

Oo, sigurado ako. Mga salitang gusto kong sabihin ngunit tila may bumikig sa aking lalamunan. A certain portion of my heart hesitated to verify that information. Am I really certain that it's her? Am I that ready to accept the fact that she is really gone? 

Kaya sa halip na sagutin ang katanungan niyang iyon ay idinako ko na lang muli ang aking mga mata sa bangkay na payapang nahihimlay sa paanan ko. Mataman kong tinitigang muli ang kwentas sa kanyang leeg. My tears touch it first before my hand. Sigurado akong si Iowa ito pero hindi ko talaga kayang tanggapin ang katotohanang iyon. Sa ngayon, mas gugustuhin ko na lang bumalik sa nakaraan kaysa tanggapin ang katotohanang nasa harapan ko. 

"We are all aware that each of us will die, aren't we? Pero bakit ang sakit-sakit pa rin kapag dumating na ang araw na iyon?" tanong ko pabalik sa major at sa officer na kasama ko.

I see the major sit beside me and pat me on my shoulder. "Because the greater the value, the heavier it weighs. And the heavier it weighs, the deeper it pulls you down," seryosong sagot nito habang palipat-lipat ang tingin sa akin at sa mga labi ni Iowa. "I've been there, almost at the bottom," dagdag pa n'ya na nagpaiba ng awra n'ya. "Until one day, I managed to look at the brighter side of it. Losing a dear one is a desolation but not the end. Like this building," he said as he sweeps the blown-up building with his remorseful eyes. "It can be built again completely and be more valuable next time. It'll just need funds and manpower to stand. So as you, you just need courage and find a new reason to build up yourself again. When that time comes, make sure to be a better version of yourself now. In that case, what you lost today will not be lost tomorrow."

"That's life buddy," sabat naman ng officer na ngayon ay nakiupo na rin. "Death is a reminder that we can't have most of the time in this world. Ito ang nagtatakda ng katapusan ng bawat isa sa atin, gustohin man natin o hindi. Ang unfair 'di ba?" mapait na wika nito. "But unfairness is the only thing in this world that is given to us fairly. So you have to deal with it. It's desolating but still, there's a good thing to be found after losing someone. You just have to find that thing. When you finally found it, use it to rise again," makahulugang wika nito.

I admit. I got hurt when he said that there's a good thing after losing someone. But as I digest his point, I finally understood what he meant by that. He wanted to hurt me more and make me accept this desolating fact. He wants me to indulge in the pain and sorrow. Na ako ay parang isang itak na kailangang pandayin at ipasalap ang hagupit ng nagngangalit na apoy upang mas lalo pang tumibay. 

Marahil nga ay iyon ang kailangan ko ngayon - ang harapin ang kasawiang ito kahit gaano pa kasakit. Gustuhin ko mang takasan ang bawat kirot na unti-unting pumupunit sa aking pagkatao pero para saan pa. This pain is a proof of how much I adore and value her. Masakit man pero ito ang nagpapaalala sa akin at nagpatotoo na minsan, ang Xen na inaakala kong walang patutunguhan ay sandaling nagkaroon at nakasumpong ng tamang direksyon. Na minsan, ang Xen na inakala kong palalo at sakim sa makamundong bagay ay natutunang magmahal ng totoo at makibaka para sa katarungan.