Bay of Strangers (Manila Girls #2)

Kabanata 26

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Kabanata 26

Buried

"Wala na siya..." My voice broke.

Walang tigil sa pagtulo ang mga luha ko, sigurado akong namamaga na ang mga mata ko pero wala akong pakialam. Hinang-hina na ako. Upos na upos na ako.

Gusto ko na lang din maglaho... Pero hangga't hindi pa kaya ngayon, sinubukan ko munang kumawala...

"Umuwi ka na sa inyo..."

"Huwag mo akong pilitin na umuwi, please lang!"

"I'll call Tito Deus... Clearly, you're upset... I'm shocked too, but right now you need to be with your family-"

Umiling ako, patuloy ang pagdaloy ng mga luha. Gabing-gabi na at himala pang nakapunta ako rito sa mga Delgado. Vanna's parents are still at Lorenzo Lim's birthday party. The news about my brother's death didn't reach anyone yet, and I doubt that my parents will let it spread just yet. I went here and told Vanna everything. She listened, and comforted me.

"I d-don't wanna face my parents."

"Why?" She sighed. Pagod niyang inalis ang mga alahas at pinagmasdan ako. Umupo siya sa tabi ko, puno ng awa at pag-aalala ang mga mata.

Mas lalo lang akong naiyak. Parang paulit-ulit na sinasaksak ako ngayon. Ang bigat bigat ng dibdib ko at para bang hindi na mawawala ang mabigat na nakadagan dito.

I wanted to scream so loud, but I doubt anyone would hear me... Iniisip ko na baka kahit sumigaw pa ako nang sobrang lakas, wala namang makakarinig sa akin.

Bakit nangyayari 'to? I questioned Someone above. Why does it have to be Atticus? Why does it have to be my brother?

Why did he kill himself?

If I could only talk to him one last time, I'll really listen and understand him. I realized I was too infested with so many things that I forgot the people that's important to me. I was too selfish... I was too distracted with so many things. I was too conceited that I think the world revolved around me. I forgot that there are people that's suffering in silence too-my brother is one of them.

He tried to told me, didn't he? I just didn't listen enough. I just didn't understand him the way he understood every part of me.

"Lei, umuwi ka na."

"Vanna, please! Sinisisi ako ni Mama. And the more that I stay there the more I'll realize that maybe it's my fault..." Nabasag muli ang boses ko at napayuko.

The tears started streaming again. I couldn't control it nor tame it. I can only let it flow.

Anong problema ni Atticus? Is it because of our parents? Is it because of the stress, pressure, and the expectations of the people around him? Is it because of Zina? Is it because he's too tired? Questions started flooding in while I sat there on the cold marble floor-crying as I let my tears speak for the unspoken thoughts and emotions that raged a turmoil within me.

I remembered that he wanted to get away... He wanted to get away... Pinigilan ko siyang sumama kay Tito Deon... Pinigilan ko siya. I stopped him from doing something that's brave... I stopped him from doing something that would make him happy. I stopped him from doing something that would make him feel that he's in control of his life. I stopped him because I was selfish...

I wonder if I let him be... Buhay pa kaya siya ngayon? Malamang... Mas lalo lang akong kinakain ng sakit. Every breath I take feels so heavy, it was as if my own lungs are betraying me and they wanted me to give up.