Bay of Strangers (Manila Girls #2)

Kabanata 37

Kabanata 37

Regalo

"Huwag mong pansinin 'yon si River." Iyon ang paalala ni Zina sa akin bago ako tumuloy sa bakasyon.

I told her about what happened at the coffee shop.

"Hindi nga."

"Stop thinking about him and his words. Isipin mo na lang na napadaan nga siya roon sa coffee shop at iyon lang 'yon."

"Iyon lang naman talaga."

"If it's only what you think it is, you won't be bothered so much."

I sighed.

Sometimes, I don't know how to process some things. During these times, I always remind myself that everything can be overwhelming but I can get over that. It's part of life. We get confused, we get discouraged, and sometimes we fall down, but what matters most is our ability to get up and fight again.

I already healed from certain things that happened in the past. I used to blame myself for Atticus' death. I used to regret cutting ties with my old friends, I used to get anxious over little, petty things, I use to be so selfish and self-centered, and sometimes I refused to admit that I am a toxic person. I struggled a lot to be okay with the fact that there's so much going on around me. But sometimes, I still get lost—you know. Sometimes, I don't know what to do. Sometimes, I just want to vanish, never return, and enjoy my solitude because I am good and in perfect terms with that.

"Buko juice?"

Stifling a little laugh, Joko handed me a fresh coconut juice—straight out of the shell.

Umiling ako. "Thanks though,"

"Lungkot mo rito ah?"

"Hindi naman."

Sabay naming nilingon ang malawak na karagatan.

"Ayaw mong lumangoy sa dagat?"

"Mamaya na lang. After dinner."

It's already sunset. Naka two-piece swimsuit ako at pinapanood ang paglubog ng araw at ang pabalik-balik na pagyakap ng alon sa dalampasigan. Mistulan akong nasa isang pelikula. Tahimik at taimtim ang paligid.

Nasa bakasyon ako kasama ang mga kaibigang lalaki. Rush, the three musketeers, and Andi are with me. Talagang hiniling ko ang sandaling bakasyon na ito bago bumalik muli sa Maynila.

Somehow, my comeback last week isn't entirely a good idea. Lalo pa't medyo nabigla ako sa muling pagkikita namin ni River. Para bang bumalik lahat lahat. Hindi lang ang mga panahong lugmok na lugmok ako dahil iniwan niya ako.

Everything just came crashing in, like a wild, violent waves—determined to knock me down. In a flash, I was reminded of all the ugly things in my past. The rough road that I had to went through pave its way back into my life again.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganoon ang nangyayari.

Dra. Idala said that it might be a trigger. She told me that sometimes there are some memoirs from the past that might trigger all the traumatic, painful, and saddest experiences I experienced before.

Kahit pa hindi naman sila mismo ang sanhi ng mga ito.

It can really be nostalgic at most. Si River kasi ang kasama ko sa mga panahong sobrang lugmok ako at mahina. He was there at my darkest hour, at my darkest, lowest phase. And when he left, he suck all the darkness in me, not because he took it away but because he filled me with something darker, more painful, and crueler thing— the void.

"Nag-iihaw na si Rush at Andi. Baka magkamabutihan ang dalawang 'yon."

Nilingon ko si Joko.

"May boyfriend si Andi."