Bay of Strangers (Manila Girls #2)

Kabanata 29

Kabanata 29

Mother

Being with River is my only escape. I won't lie. He made me feel free, and most of the times-I feel understood. He can see right through me. With him, I did not have to pretend. I did not care if I'm a mess. In a sense, it's like seeing the moonlight-a light in the midst of the darkness. The light he brought takes me to another world-one where I am free of my pain.

With him, I also learned to talk about my feelings.
I've learned to speak my mind and sit with my emotions. I had trouble getting acquainted with my feelings and emotions before. It's hard, but I am learning. For so long, I also believed that vulnerability is something that can weaken us, leaving us defenseless. But being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness, but rather an indication that we are human-flawed and imperfect.

However, in those realizations and the changes that comes in different hues, I also realized how scared that I'm being too dependent on him.

I let my guard down for him, I let him looked beyond the pretentious perfect masks, the fabricated smiles, and the facade I put up for a long time. Hindi ako 'yon eh... Hindi ako yung mga iniisip nila sa akin. Hindi ako 'yon. Ito ako... At si River pa lang ang nakakakita non.

He did not just look at me-he saw me.

Stark black of shadows and silhouettes found its way to dance across my delicate skin, the cryptic flickering lights outside because of a thunderstorm fail to awaken the rush inside me. It couldn't drown my sadness because I am in a constant steady turbine

I moved a bit, hugging myself-comforting my own being.

The state I am in right now is like a never-ending waves. A rollercoaster ride that's unstoppable, a drowsy feeling of highs and lows, and a traveler that's never home.

"Lei,"

Si Papa iyon. Ilang segundo bago ako nag-angat ng tingin sa kanya. Sumilip muna siya sa pintuan bago tuluyang pumasok at dumiretso sa kung nasaan ako. Umupo siya sa sahig, katabi ko. Walang imik niyang kinuha ang kamay ko at marahan akong hinigit palapit sa kanya. Ang isang kamay ay nilagay sa likod ko para mayakap ako nang tuluyan. Sinandal ko ang ulo ko sa balikat niya.

"I'm sorry, anak..." He whispered.

Hindi ako nagsalita.

"Patawad... Napapabayaan na kita. Masyadong naging mahirap ang mga nakaraang araw para sa amin na nakalimutan kong naghihirap ka rin."

Ramdam ko ang pamumuo ng lumpon sa aking lalamunan at ang nagbabadyang mga luha. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin.

I drifted away from my parents-especially my mom. I know we're all hurting... And there's no way we could move forward together as a family right now. Malabo.

"Lei, anak... Kasalanan ko kung bakit nawala ang Kuya mo."

Umalis ako sa pagkakayakap niya. My eyes darted at him. He's already crying, yet his sobs are silent. My jaw clenched and I sighed.

I want him to acknowledge that he has his own fair of shortcomings that made Atticus felt neglected, tired, and scorned.

"I wasn't a good father to him. And even to you."

"Pa..."

"Totoo naman, anak di ba?"

"We can't point fingers now. We're all to blame." Malamig kong saad.

Tumango si Papa at pinawi ang mga luha.

"Aayusin natin ang pamilyang ito."

Napangiwi ako. Bitter thoughts bite me, sinking and piercing its fangs to my skin. I don't know about that.