Every inch of my body hurts
I haven't slept since two days ago
My legs
Fuck my legs
I wish I could chop them off
Everything below my waist hurts the worst
And the itching
Why does it make me itchy?
Every inch of my body
Just completely shot
Crying out for sleep
But this fucking insomnia
I'm so tired
And yet I can't sleep
I am resting
It's to the point
Where I fade in and out
Of consciousness
While my legs are shaking horribly
The only way to get the pain to stop
And I toss and turn and writhe
But the pain doesn't stop
And yet if I just focus on something else
The pain simply stops
As if it's all in my head
As if my body is trying to destroy itself
Since 2015
That's how long I've been on it
I wish I never had to find out
What more than one day without it
Felt like
And I know this is the best option
Long term this switch will be better
But as I sit here in bed
In so much pain
I'm honestly questioning it
And yesterday was so beautiful
My friends were so lovely
How wonderful it is
To have a best friend in Europe
With such a weird and unusual schedule
That it lines up ever so perfect
To just play video games with me
The entire fucking day
And she's been fighting a cough
For far too long now
But she voice chatted with me for hours
And when the world started going fuzzy
And nothing really seemed real
When I didn't even feel real
Like I wasn't actually living
God only knows what I said to her
It was like a I was drunk or high
Completely out of it
I forget the majority of it
And fuck I'm so in love with her
And we flirt constantly
Lord only knows what gay ass shit
Came out of my undead mouth
I think yesterday made the pain worth it
At least yesterdays pain
Tonight is a lot worse
Day two without the drug
The side effects I get are severely worse
But now I'm horribly tired
All I want to do is stop thinking
My body is so tired
I would get up and game
But I genuinely don't think
That I have any brain cells left
To handle that kind of activity
I wonder what I'd do if she was up
I'd play with her in a heartbeat
She was the only thing that kept me
Out of misery the majority of the last 24 hours
She's so fucking precious
When I'm like this with my millions of words
As can be seen by the million I have
At this very moment
She just listens
And she's so kind and patient
She actually thinks it's adorable
I don't care how fucked up my brain was
Yesterday the whole day she's with me
I could just feel how in love she was with me
And we're in a weird spot right now
She is straight
And yet I can tell she's in love with me
But it's a different kind of in love
An in love that she cannot act upon
Because of the fact that she is straight
God anyone reading this
That probably makes zero sense
But she is in love with me
And she so badly wishes
That she could just be with me
But she knows
I know
We all know
That's simply not how sexuality works
And yet all the pain from yesterday
None of it even mattered
Because it was the day I realized it
The whole day she masked the pain
And we were just together
In love with one another
Having a wonderful time
And while we'll never be together
I can rest easy knowing she'll forever be mine
And that's the only thing
That makes all the pain I'm in so worth it
It amplifies every emotion
A million times stronger
And everything I felt yesterday
Was so passionate
The love
The pain
I felt it all a million times more
Because I've been awake
For almost 48 hours
All to stop being
Legally addicted
To a drug I wish I didn't need
All to get long term results
That I've wished for since I started
All the way back in 2015
Who knew
That all I needed
Was to grow up
Get a new doctor
And put my foot down
I'm not letting that medicine
Control me any longer
The new one
Will do the same thing
But better
And that's the only thing keeping me going
As I approach that 48 hour
Without any god damn sleep
I will fall asleep eventually
I'll wake up
And the world will be okay again
The pain will be gone
And things will be better
And she'll be in love with me
I'll finally get it
I'll finally rest easy
And I'll get past
This fucking withdrawal
