Written on the Stars

Never In My Life

(Monica's Pov)

*Trigger Warning*It really isn't serious, but I just want to make sure.

I reread the sentence over and over, feeling nausea increasing in my stomach.My mouth hung open as the picture stared back at me, smiling that once bright smile. Please, no, this can't be correct.

Ivan Braginski died March 12, 10:28 by hanging himself.

His picture, a high school picture, was staring at me with his purple eyes that were fill of ambition and his smile made people everyone's heart skip a beat.I remember waiting in line for my picture and watching Ivan take his.

I saw his smile expand as the flash illuminated his porcelain face.Never in my life would I imagine that same boy to weep himself to sleep, crying for his lost love.

"Hey, Monica!"Alfred cheered as he set down the black coffee in front of me suddenly, resulting in the coffee to spill on the obituary.My tears soon following.

"You good?"He asked, finally noticing my grief.He sipped his coffee while he shoved a frozen waffle in the toaster.

My mouth opened, but nothing came out.Silence hung over the room as I tried to torture the words out of my throat.They climbed up, but they never went as far as to escape my dry mouth.

"No," I squeaked.I felt so much of my energy leave me as that word did.

"What happened?"He pulled out the chair by me and sat in it, leaning in close to me.From the corner of my eyes, I could see his eyebrows knit together in confusion.He was never the best at confronting people.I pushed the newspaper closer to him, hoping he'll get the idea, so he wouldn't hear my voice all horse.

"Monica..."Alfred breathed in and patted my back ponderously.

"I did it,"I whispered as I held the coffee cup up to my lips, however, the dark liquid never passed my lips and it never solved my dryness.

"Don't beat yourself up, you weren't the problem."He reassured, bringing me into a hug as he pat my back in a childish manner.

"But, I drove him to it,"I muttered.Tears flooded out of my eyes, soaking Alfred's shirt.My heart felt twisted as if someone rung out all its delight.Could I stay here knowing I drove someone to suicide?

I don't love him, but that doesn't mean I never did.I still remember when we would watch movies together or study together.He would always tickle me to death until I punched him in the face.Never in my life would I imagine that same boy that laugh's could heal the sick and that would always kiss people to make sure they have love in their life, to held a razor up to his wrist and let the darkness take him.

"Monica, he may have had some other things in his life besides you.Like, depression."He said, making me sob grossly.

This couldn't be right.I shouldn't have left him.I should have loved him.I should have cherished him.But, I didn't and now I never can.

__

I stood woodenly at the door to the Funeral House where the wake took place.I took deep breaths as I opened the door.The smell of perfume hit me and I was staring at sobbing people dressed in black.I tried to bypass anyone who may know me for the girl that broke his fragile heart.

A part of me wanted to read the suicide note, but the other half had common sense, telling me not to because I knew it wouldn't help me.I felt guilt arise in my chest while I watched his older sister cry, holding his scarf to her heart.

I shouldn't be feeling depressed, I felt like I was weak for feeling this.I have been so rude to him the last years, but I show up at his wake like I cared for him.I do care, but I knew these people wouldn't know.

I walked up to the tv that had a slideshow of pictures.My heart stopped at one where our arms were wrapped around each other and we held two medals.I identified that day, we won the science prize in 12th grade.

His smile filled his face, so innocent, so pure as if no problems never accrued to him.Never in my life would I imagine that same boy, who's soul was so bright with innocence and his eyes looked like they never seen sorrow, to stare at the pills in his hand before he dosed them down all at once, hoping to end the pain.

I didn't cry, I couldn't.Crying isn't going to bring him back.

I gradually walked to the casket where his body was.His mouth was in a firm line and his face was caked in makeup.I couldn't even recognize him.That same face used to smile at the world like it was a meadow full of flowers.

Never in my life would Imagine that same face, that would kiss my tears away and that approached the world with confidence, would put his head in rope and watch his once happy life flash before his innocent eyes, waiting to be happy once more.