Written on the Stars

Haunted

(31 weeks pregnant!)

Depression surrounds me like a sweater, yet it lacked the comfort and replaced it with loneliness.It suffocates me until it knows that all I feel is sadness and it wraps it cold arms around me, leading me into darkness. It'll leave me alone for me to hang out with my friends, who tried to get rid of it, but I still see it, hear it, feel it, watching me just around the corner, preventing me to smile or laugh or feel anything but agonizing sorrow.

It took the place on the bed where he use to fall asleep at, tormenting me, mocking me, and never allowed me to close my eyes to sleep. Once I finally did, it'll enter me dreams and smother me with memories of him until I woke up with tears streaming down my cheeks and then I'll look over to see him, staring intensely at me, looking through me as if I wasn't human and I should be tortured.

Pain coursed through my body once I looked at a picture of my fiance, smiling and rubbing my stomach. Little did he know that the baby could never see that smile of his.

Alfred's funeral was today and I could barely make it through the day without crying over lost friends. I knew that I couldn't watch the casket of my dead best friend being carried down the alley without breaking down in tears and having the depression slap me hard in my face.

I slowly got up from my bed. I looked around my messy room and saw a calendar that had a big heart on tomorrow.

Our wedding.

He would never see me in my dress walking down the alley, he would never get to put on his wedding ring, he would never dance with me as a married couple. And we'll never get to have the kiss that pronounced us married.

Never.

So many nevers.

My face felt dry and gross from the dried tears that stuck to my face from the middle of the night when I woke up from a disturbing dream where I could hear him scream as he was being burned in the car. He cried out my name and then screamed in torment. I woke up, screaming at everything and at myself.

I walk to the bathroom, turned on the lights, and looked over at myself in the mirror. My hair was in need of a trim and was tangled and unbrushed, my eyes were red with shimmering trails going to my chin, and a mustache of snot was under my nose.

It wasn't me who I was looking at, It couldn't be, I would never let myself turn to this, never in a million years. Just last week I would have been up and already showered and was making breakfast for...

Don't cry. Not today, not any other day, stop crying, it isn't going to help it's just going to make it worst! I mentally screamed at myself as forbidden tears began to grow.

"You're not me!"I screamed so loudly that my throat burned and in just one motion my fist came in contact with the mirror, shattering it in millions of pieces.

I felt the bleed leak down my hand, dripping into the sink.I watched the red liquid splash onto the wink sink, staining it.Moments later I realized what I've done and quickly ran to the toilet paper and wrapped in around my wound.

I saw the blood quickly seep through the thin water paper as I tighten my grip around it. Please, stop bothering me! I wanted to scream at the demon following me and drowning my life in sorrow.

"Stop it! Stop haunting me!"I pierced the silent air, sobbing hard.

__

"Monica!"Elizabeta greeted, bringing me in for a hug. I tugged my sleeve to hide the large cut in my hand that was wrapped in bandages."How are you?"She let go of me but kept our hands entwined.

She knew the right answer, yet she always asks and always pretend to believe me,"I'm fine,"I told her, looking around at the funeral home. People were all there and I knew none beside my friends. I wanted to hide in the bathroom and never leave.

I haven't been in a crowd like this for a week and I didn't feel ready at all.

"Moni!"I wanted to cry at the nickname Gilbert's use to call me.I saw Felicia come to me,"Glad you could make it!" That smile stayed on her face even through the saddest times.

I felt people's faces on me and their mocking faces laughing at me or yelling at me. So many people in such a small room where pictures of my best friend hung on the walls, flower fragrance filled the room, the smell was so intoxicating and it poisoned me.

I felt him.

My demon.

Watching by the door, calling my name, pulling me in, snickering at me sweat and panic He's going to wait for the worst time to stick me and make me sob my heart out. I felt my heart beating in my head and whispering was brought to my ear. I was alone, just me and my demon.

The walls were closing in and in the distance I could hear Alfred's laughter and then turning into blood cradling screams.

I ran outside before I broke down in front of everyone. I kept running to nowhere just away from him. I felt my head pound and my heart beated quicker and quicker, my stomach squeezed and the baby kicked my insides.

I vomited all over the grass and I sob out loud.

I sat for a long time, thinking, letting my tears slowly getting smaller until it was just a whimper.I looked up at the bright sun that shined it's rays across the land. How could it still shine during this?