Written on the Stars

Close to my Heart

(35 weeks pregnant)

The door bell ringed throughout the house and I heard giggling whispers on the other side. I quickly brushed through my hair to tame it and I shoved on a jacket to cover my white tank top(I wasn't wearing a bra).

"Coming!"I struggled to get up from the couch for my stomach ached and I felt like a whale. I walked to the door and swung it open to see Eliza and Felicia holding a basket full of baby clothes and essentials. Antonio, Francis, and Roderich were also holding a basket loaded with groceries.

"Monica!"Eliza hugged me. "We thought we would give you some baby stuff and some groceries."

Roderich chirped in,"Hoyt's been grown out of a lot of clothes and we thought you'll like them."

I moved out of the way and letted them enter my house. They set the baskets on the table. I was quite happy and honored that they would give them food and baby diapers and clothes and so much that would be useful when Adrian comes.

"You guys didn't have to,"I held up a baby onesie that had elephants holding tails like son and father."Thank you guys so much!"

"We wanted to," Francis replied."Also, we knew you needed it." They were right there were only old crackers and cereal in the cabinets. I stopped shopping for baby clothes after Gilbert...passed away. It wasn't fun searching through clothes that Gilbert already joked about or pleaded for me to buy it.

It was odd, it felt like I wasn't pregnant at all and this wasn't real. Like, it didn't feel like I would be a mother in just a few weeks. Even if I was his home and I constantly look at the growing stomach.He was kicking more often like he was determined for my attention.

I couldn't wait to see his little feet swinging in the air and his soft body being next to me as I sing him. I imagine his warmth as he twists his chubby fingers around my finger, a smile forming across his round cheeks. I have so much knowledge to share with him and extra hugs to give him to replace his father's presence.

Eliza was going on about a story while I can't keep my hands off my stomach, waiting patiently for a slight kick to release happiness from me that has been waiting for so long.

___

"Monica, I have to ask you something," Felicia said in a quiet voice. Everyone has left after hours of storytelling and laughter. It was good to be surrounded by great friends that can't take the smile off my face.We even skyped Sakura and it was hard to bring the laptop down, knowing we wouldn't get to see her for a while.

"Yes?" I looked through the baby clothes, folding them neatly and sorting them in piles.

She continued,"Maybe...maybe we should get a house together. I mean we both are living alone and we're college students living on ramen."

I thought for a minute.Felicia has been living alone in a big house for awhile. My house was filled with deafing silence and I missed hearing footsteps in the halls.

"Is it possible for you to move in here, I already have the nursery almost done. Also, we have a guest room you could stay in." I suggested.

She twiddled her thumbs, she must be nervous, she never does that, "So does that mean,"She looked up, her brown eyes glistening in the light, "We'll be roomies again!"She ran up to hug me, giggling at the thought of constant sleepovers and gossiping.

I tried to act serious,"I've changed my mind now,"

"Moni!"

__

I watched the red sun nearly setting, shining golden rays on the Earth. Big fluffy white clouds surrounded the sun, letting it slightly peak out. The cool breeze made me cover my bare arms and my blonde hair blew slightly in it.

"I remember this last time," Felicia titled her head at Antonio and Francis who struggled to bring in her bed. "It's hard to believe that it's been two years since then,"

I looked over at her and mumbled, "So much has changed,"

"Yeah, It's weird. I remember the same wind and the beautiful sunset," She turned towards the sun, her braids blowing rapidly around,"You were pregnant then too." Her voice was eery as if it dropped lower.

She turned before I could comment and smiled brightly,"How odd!"She giggled and ran off to help them.

I stood there, remembering the times two years ago. It was so simple back then, college students dreaming of their future. Now, we're separated. One across the world, two had their dreams blown away and could never reach them now, and the two others were alone, left with sad memories of them.

Why did God have to give us this life? Not letting them live their life. Gilbert can't even see his child, or get married or get old with me.Alfred can't throw his black hat in the air or he can't get his dream job or he can't fall in love and feel how amazing.

Why can't this sorrow leave me?

__

Like every night,

I cried.

Those big fat tears ran down the sides if my face as I stared at the ceiling, trying not to look at the dark room. I struggled to lift myself off the bed, my stomach felt so heavy and my feet were sore from moving too much. I quickly left my room and waddled down to the nursery.

For some unknown reason, I felt comfortable in there, looking at all the ultrasound pictures and hoping there to be a baby in the empty crib soon.

The grey and white zig-zag rug was fluffy under my bare feet and lite grey walls were still bright for it was recently painted. I walked over to the window that was cover by a turquoise curtain and opened it to show the clear dark night.

The lights glowed brightly and I could hear the crickets chirping and I smelt the dirt. Just a few weeks and I'll be holding my son as I stare out the beautiful earth. I moved away after gazing at the stars brought waves of happy and painful memories.

I quickly closed the curtains and I didn't take long to move away from it. I shuffled over to the black wood crib with white covers and turquoise ribbons on the bars.I pressed my hand on the bedding, it felt so soft.I picked up a fluffy elephant stuff animal that I remember Gilbert loved because of how cuddly it was. I squeezed it tight, hoping to feel Gilbert around me and to smell him jut once more. I looked up, still holding it, at his name 'Adrian' in black cursive letters that stuck to the wall.

I turned to the black shelves. Most pictures were layed down for they were pictures of Gilbert and I's maternity pictures. I braced myself as I picked up one picture. It was Gilbert hugging me from behind and stroking my big stomach that had a blue ribbon wrapped around it. I remembered that it took forever to take considering Gilbert couldn't stop laughing and he couldn't be serious.

I breathed deeply and left it up. I didn't have enough energy to look at them all.

I clutched the elephant tighter and stuffed my head in it, breathing in the newly washed fur. I sat on the rocking chair and rocked myself.

I still held the elephant close to me.

I rubbed my stomach.

I spoke softly, "Soon, you'll be here and I'll rock you to sleep. This is your home where you'll grow up and be loved," I paused, "I will always hold you close to me and my heart, protecting you from the world. The world is cruel but I'll keep you safe.I could never stop loving you. You will lose since I can't save you from everything but it will go away. I promise I will take good care of you by myself. You'll make your dad proud. I love you."