Written on the Stars

Misplaced

(32 weeks)

I still wanted to think that it's a dream even after standing in front of the funeral home, dressed in a black dress with my belly protruding out of it, focusing attention on me. People stared at me as they walked through the doors without a hesitation while I stood there, holding the door handle, ready to open it but instead I just stared at it, bracing myself to see my fiance in a coffin.

"Monica, you're going to be fine," Elizabeta placed her hand on my shoulder, making me jump.She stood there with Roderich by her, holding hands while their faces held onto a fake smile. My hand craved so much to by held by Gilbert again.

I breathed loudly,"I don't think I can look at him," I whispered, tipping my head down.

Roderich said,"You don't have to look at him if you don't feel comfortable. Also, you can always look at the...coffin once everyone leaves so you feel better," 

"You can always leave if you feel uneasy," Eliza told me, rubbing my back.

"I can't leave, it's my fiance's wake, I can't leave." I swung open the door. The cold air from the building blew at me and I already felt my stomach churn with nervousness.

"We're here for you if you need anything," Eliza smiled a gentle smile.

I looked at her and began walking through the halls to the room where it held Gilbert's body.They followed me closely.

I felt everyone's eyes on me once I tried to sneak in the room, trying not to attract attention. The room was silent and people whispered to each other as hey stared at me.

"Monica," Antonio came to me and made me sit on the couch and everyone went back to talking. From the seat, I could see the coffin a bit but I couldn't see his body, fortunately.I looked at Antonio.

He didn't look like what he did just two weeks ago. His green eyes didn't hold that ambitious sparkle, his mouth didn't even attempt to smile, and he looked so tired and beaten up emotionally.

"How have you been doing?"He strived to smile, yet he didn't succeed. 

I kept my eyes on my lap, for I couldn't see pictures of him and not burst into tears,"I'm scared, lonely, I feel terrible altogether."

"Do you need any help? Like, I could help you clean your home if you need it, or after the baby is born I could babysit."He paused, "Anything that could help you in any way,"

"Thanks, Antonio, but I doing fine," We both knew I was lying.

"I'm so sorry, I can't believe that I'm at my childhood friends funeral so young." He tipped his head down,"I could have prevented it so we can both be happy,"

"Don't beat yourself up, nothing is going to change it anymore,"I realized how rude I sound,"It's no one fault, everything happens f-,"

"How could this happen for a reason?! What kind of God would let a young man die who was planning on getting marrying and having a baby!?" He hissed, not at me, just at life.

I didn't respond to him, I can't find words.

"I'm sorry," Antonio mumbled, "I just feel so sad. I guess I'm selfish, you have it worse than me,"

"Neither of us have it worse. We both lost a very important and special person to us,"

___

Everyone left and I was the only one there with my thoughts.I slowly moved to the casket and paused every few seconds, gathering my emotions so they don't collapse. 

I made my way towards the casket and I nearly lost all of my sanity. It didn't even look like the person who I wanted to marry. His face was covered in makeup that was too tan for his skin tone, his mouth was sewn in a firm line, and his hands were crossed, formally, which was unlike him.

I gently placed a hand on his cheek and softly cried as I rubbed his cold cheek softly like a baby. This is the last time I'll ever see him, last time I'll ever touch him, last time I'll get to feel his smooth skin or kiss his cheek.

"I will always love you, Gilbert,"I whispered, hoping he heard somewhere, somehow, "You can finally see and hug your mom, right? And now your one of the beautiful stars in the a night sky. Your watching over us, right?" The tears trickled on his face. "One day, our son will look at the bright star in the air and feel loved under your light and he'll feel warm once looking at you." I sobbed and tenderly rubbed the tears off his cheek.

I bent down to kiss his cheek despite how gross people may think it is.

"I love you,"

__

I remembered seeing the casket being carried down the alley and I couldn't watch it for long before tears ran down my cheeks and I quietly sobbed to myself.

I remembered watching his body being lowered in the ground right next to Anneliese. People stood around, watching with wet eyes.

I remembered seeing Eliza break down in tears after the casket was finally placed in the ground and the nightmare finally showed that it's reality.I could even see Roderich wipe his tears before they fell from his purple eyes.

I remembered falling to the ground once I came home, overwhelmed with sorrow and agony. I couldn't hold in my sobs nor could I walk because my legs felt like jelly. How can I do this forever? Without Gilbert, without parents, without a best friend, without love, without happiness.

How?