Only Angel [h.s]

24

  double update be sure to read 23 first!

  I lost my boyfriend and my best friend, in one night.

I lost my boyfriend and my best friend, in one night.

This is what I repeat inside my head as I walk up the stairs of my dorm. It plays in my mind over and over like a broken record. It's all I can think about. I decided to take the stairs, opting out of the elevator in hopes that it will lessen the chances that someone will see me in my sorrowful and sopping wet appearance. I probably look insane, mascara stains on my cheeks and soaked head to toe, with a very solemn look on my face.

I wish I could go back in time to completely redo this night. Or maybe I'd just never plan this dinner at all. Scientists really needs to hurry up and build the technology for time machines. I'd spend my entire life's savings on a time machine. It still probably wouldn't be enough though. Maybe Harry would chip in since he's part of the reason why tonight sucked so much.

I don't really know if that's fair to say anymore though.

He put his whole heart and dignity on the line. And I crushed it. I rejected him. I'm the asshole who broke Harry Styles' heart. My best friend's heart. I feel like i'm disappointing him. I hate that feeling.

Disappointment.

The worst part is I didn't even see it coming. He claimed to have loved me for a long time but I never had once felt even a suspicion that he had feelings for me.  Maybe he was just really good at hiding it. Or I was purposely avoiding the signs in insecurity. I mean I never would've imagined that someone like Harry would've had feelings for me. I guess that's probably just self-esteem issues and if I had really been paying attention I would've already known that he liked me.

Now that I actually think back, I guess I can see how the signs were there. Like how he always admitted to having feelings for someone but wouldn't tell me who. Best friends typically share that type of information. Or how I thought he liked my friend Amaya, I guess all along he was actually looking at me and not at her like I had thought.

I wish he didn't have feelings for me though.

Then things could go back to the way they were. I could get my best friend back and I never would've let him down like that. We would go back to hanging out and laughing at nothing together. But I doubt things will be like that anymore. I'm sure we can't be friends anymore. He was my favourite person and now I can't even consider him a friend I don't think.

Even if we hadn't fought before he confessed his feelings, things would still be bad between us because of his confession. I doubt he will ever want to see me again. I wouldn't if I was him. If someone broke my heart in two afterwards I would stay as far away from them as I could possibly could be.

I don't think i've been this upset or sad since my dad died. That I had at least seen coming and was the tiniest bit prepared for it. This I was not at all prepared for and in no way saw it coming. Although I wish I had, I could've planned out how to respond in the best way, without completely destroying mine and Harry's relationship.

Also when my dad died I had Harry to help me through it. He was the number one person that I leaned on during that time. He is also the person I'd like to go to now for support, but I can't. If it was anyone other than him fighting with me then i'd be running to Harry right now for support. I wish it was that way. Harry always knows exactly how to make me feel better.

That's also makes me think about who Harry will be going to right now. Who's going to help him through this. I worry about him. I know he has other friends like the boys but I am his best friend (or at least I was) and I'm sure he also wishes that he could go to me right now for support. Maybe he doesn't though since i'm the reason he's upset this time. Maybe he hates me now and is cursing my name, glad i'm out of his life as of now.