Only Angel [h.s]

25

a few months later

Sitting up from my bed, I throw my legs over the side. I bring my hands up to my face, groaning as I rub my tired eyes and will myself to wake up fully. My mind woke up far before my body did but I know even if I try to, I won't be able to fall back asleep. So waking up much too early in the morning it is I guess.

I haven't been getting very much sleep recently. Or actually I haven't been getting much sleep for a long while now. Thankfully this morning its actually light outside when i'm waking up. So i'd call this the start to a good day, hopefully.

I don't even know why it's been so difficult for me to sleep these past few months. Sure they've been hard, but I don't understand why i'm still losing sleep over something that happened so long ago. Was it really that long ago already? I've tried those melatonin gummies that everyone with insomnia swears by, but they just don't work for me.

I thought maybe it would start to get better soon. However as I sleep less and less, I see that's not how it's going to work for me. I've thought about possibly going to the doctor and getting some prescribed sleep medication, but i'm too afraid to do that. Going to the doctor feels like giving up. Like admitting that this is actually a serious problem, despite my need to pretend everything is just fine.

Everything is in fact not fine.

I haven't spoken to Harry in months. Not since that night in the rain when he confessed his feelings for me. After a week of radio silence, I expected him to finally reach out and then we'd go back to being friends again. That didn't happen though.

I really shouldn't have expected him to just get over his feelings and come crawling back to me. I had actually broken his heart that night. He was going to need time. A lot of time apparently. After the first month since we'd last seen each other passed and I still hadn't heard anything from Harry, I started to panic.

It finally started to completely set in that Harry and I might not be friends anymore. I know right after our fight that's what I immediately assumed was happening, but after a couple days I settled on the idea that everything would be fine between us eventually.

That idea was quickly turned on it's head though. For the first bit, I really just wallowed around moping about how much I missed being Harry's best friend. I know I could've just tried reaching out to him myself, but I wanted to give him the space I knew he would need in order to move on from me.

You can't just pour your whole heart out for someone, putting yourself in the most vulnerable position and confess your feelings for them and then turn around the next day, ready to be their friend again. I know if I was in Harry's position, and I had just admitted to loving my best friend who didn't reciprocate those feelings, i'd need some time to get over what had happened. I know he needs time.

The question is how much time?

Now it feels like it's more than just he needed time. More like he needed/wanted complete separation from me, possibly forever. I mean it's been months. That's a really long time to be just "moving on". I think he's done with me forever. Our friendship might actually be over.

What am I supposed to do if this is actually the end. I loved Harry. Sure not in the way he loved me but I still cared for him. He was the greatest friend I ever had. And I would do anything for him. There was a time when he would do anything for me as well. I'm not sure if that's the case anymore. Especially if he hates me. I'm sure he does, I hate me too. I hate myself for letting him down like that and breaking his heart. I hate myself for hurting him.

As his best friend it was my job to protect him, to make him feel good about himself. And I failed at that. I couldn't even do that simple job. Friends are supposed to lift each other up and support one another. I practically did the opposite that night.