Entertaining a Small Thought

3rd Arc Part 3: Do Ultimate Robots Dream of New Worlds?

"Alright, I see Rantaro and the others. They're over by Miu's lab. Let's hurry up and see what they're doing." I said as Kaede and I walked away from the Ultimate Aikido Master's lab.

"...Hey, Rin. You're really okay, right?" Kaede asked me. I guess she's still worried about what Tenko said earlier.

"Of course. I'm fine. I'd tell you if something was wrong, wouldn't I?"

"No, you wouldn't. You'd hide it and bottle it up. That's what you've been doing since we came here." Kaede scolded me. "I won't force you to talk about it, but I need you to know I'm here in case you do ever need to talk about it." That's when her expression changed into one of complete anger.

"Actually, no! I've tried to be patient with you, but you still stubbornly refuse to share your pain with anyone! You still haven't told me why you had a panic attack in my lab, and I'm starting to doubt that you ever will! And now Tenko said that you've started to hate yourself!? I thought we agreed to try to forgive ourselves for what happened here in this killing game!"

Kaede's loud voice actually made me take a step back from how strong her emotions were when she spoke.

"We just talked about this! I just asked you if you were alright and you lied to me! Again! You're as bad as Kokichi when it comes to lying! You keep lying when it comes to how you're feeling and the pain you're in! Why won't you trust me or anyone else with your problems? Aren't I your friend? You're hurting, aren't you? You're scared and confused and hurting! So why won't you let me help you with even a little of it? Isn't...isn't there anything that I could do to help...or am I just that unreliable to you?"

That's when Kaede's face scrunched up as she turned her gaze downwards and held back her emotions from coming out. I felt my heart ache when I saw her expression and quickly moved over to her on instinct. I hate making people feel horrible, I've learned that much about myself. So I did the only thing I could think of: I brought Kaede into a hug.

"Hey, it's alright. It's not like that. You're my friend. I trust you, just like the others. Maybe even more so, if I'm honest." I tried to comfort her. "I'm just...really stubborn when it comes to my own problems, I guess. I just don't want you all to worry. Especially when it's over nothing."

"Is that so? Then good job. You're doing great in that department." I could practically see the sarcasm lacing Kaede's words as she mumbled them. "And if it's really nothing, why don't you want to talk about it?" Kaede mumbled as she hid her face in my chest. "I just want to make sure you're okay, but it's hard to do that when you're so stubborn about it. I'm your friend. I'm going to worry no matter what you do. I'm already so scared that you're going to go off and get hurt and there isn't anything I can do to help you until it's too late. I don't...I don't know if I can handle another one of my friends getting hurt, or worse..."

I sighed at that. She's right. I've only made her worry more. I've hurt her again. I just...don't want to talk about it. That's when Kiyo's words echoed back into my mind.

'Talk to someone about it. The burden will be easier to bear if you trust friends and loved ones with it'.

Back when he told me that, I thought it would be so easy, but now that I'm in that situation, it's terrifying. We might go on and on about trusting each other, but when it comes to something personal, suddenly everything changes. Sharing the truth somehow becomes life-threatening, as if revealing the well kept secret and emotions would shatter everything around me. It's scary, And I'd much rather lie. Lying is so much easier. Hiding from the truth is so much easier. But...

"...I remembered something last night." I told Kaede in a soft, fragile whisper. Kaede's concerned and tear filled eyes darted up to me, completely wise with surprise at my confession. "I...sort of lied again earlier when I said I only remembered small things. Last night, I...remembered something big. Really big. And...I think it's a moment in my life that's one of the most emotionally painful parts. It's something I can't believe that I forgot, and it's something horrible. But...because I remembered it so suddenly, it's all garbled and makes no sense to me. It felt like I was losing myself to...to...something. Something awful. Something dark and disgusting."