When we finally reach the hospital I'm not sure how to feel. Lindi won't be pregnant anymore, instead there will be a tiny baby boy in her arms. Just four months to go for me, and I can't even begin to feel ready for a change like that. I walk through the revolving door and ask the receptionist what level the maternity ward is, then head up in the elevator. I lean on the bar as my knees shake terribly. At the sound of a ding the doors open and Sam meets us across from the elevator.
"Why did it take you so long? You could have almost missed it! He could be her like any minute don't you understand?" she was nervouse too, she was talking fast.
"Traffic, Sam. There's always traffic coming this way." I follow her as she walks to the waiting area. I look around and see a sign Nursery-Left, restrooms-left, information desk- right. and so on. Sam and Nat take their seats but I am too jittery to sit. "Hey, I'll be right back." I point to the left "I'm going to the bathroom."
So I do I turn left and head toward the bathroom. Inside I stare into a mirror and fix my hair, then splash cold water on my face. I take a minute while I'm alone to breathe and stay calm. I turn around to leave and see a hand sanitizer near the door. I hold my hands under the device as it releases foam, and rub it in. But then I see that sign again this time it's 'Nursery-right' and I look down the hall and take a right. Almost as soon as I turn I see that room with glass windows and it's full of babies. I take a deep breath as my heart beats faster. I stand in the middle of the hall because I can't make myself go closer. Without realizing it my hand lifts to my mouth. I can hear them crying, some are sleeping, others blink slowly but stay still. I see a tired nurse bringing in another infant, a girl. I shake my head and rub my face with both of my hands and the only thing going through my brain is; 'I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready.' I feel jittery and shaky, my bones tingle and force myself stay calm.
Instead of going back to the waiting area with Sam and Nat, I choose to take a walk around the hosptial. I hadn't taken a walk in forever, and it didn't last long. I got a call after about an hour from a very angry whispering Sam.
"Where are you? Did you bail out on Parker and Lindi, what is wrong with you?"
"No, no, and nothing."
"Then where the hell are you?"
"I took a walk."
"I've been trying to get ahold of you! Lindi was taken to the birthing room, he's going to be here litteraly any minute and you've disappeared."
"I took a walk because I hate waiting!" I snapped "Do you ever think of how this makes me feel? Do you? I'm litteraly shaking, my nerves are shot!" I stand against a white hospital wall, my forehead touching the cool surface. My knees shaking. "I can't do this anymore Sam." I hang up and turn to the nearest sign. Elevators Left. I follow the hall and step into the elevator. I press level 1 and hold on to the railing as the machine dropped to the lower stories. Breathe. Nothing was as it was supposed to be, my life shouldn't be like this. I should be talking to colleges, hanging out with friends, going to parties and getting my stomach pumped. The elevator dings and lets me off at the lobby. I keep my head down as I walk to the door. I pause for a minute at the glass. Its raining, the water pours as I open the door and jog to my car. I look up at all the rows and panic. I have no idea where we parked and my soaked hair falls on my face. I taste a salty tear on my lips as I look around. Why was it raining? Of course the only logical reason for me at the moment was that it was raining because of how awful a person I am. I walk down the rows looking left and right until I spot my car on the left hand side. I knew it was unlocked. A habit can't shake. I take a seat in the back and lay acrosse the two small seats, staring up at the ceiling as I listen to the rain beat the cars surface. The plastic seats were cold under my skin and I shook from the cold. I curled up in a ball and looked around my messy car. I spot a black sweater that fell out of my bag. I stretch the small shirt over my now thicker self. I felt icky. Not just from being in the rain, but icky as in I felt fat and ugly. My life was a mess and everytime I try to fix it, my bad luck strickes and something bad happens. Like for instance Mark and Cherri, Marks angry mother, and Joan hating me. I feel that rage inside me like I'm on the edge of screaming. I want to scream at God, but he's don't nothing wrong. If God created us he's done nothing but create a fondation for humans to build on. But haven't we ruined it? Does God hate me for my sins? I'm a very selfish person I realize and is that why I have such karma. If there is a God and I am to be punished for that what would that say about him? Doesn't he love us all? Do I even believe? Maybe I should, I've heard of miracles. Wouldn't that be something? To believe in God and pray for a miracle. But that is still selfish. I think if I prayed it could help me, he could answer my prayers in little miracles. If there was some way to know if I am not to be forgiven then my daughter has a fresh start. Children are the innocent. But how can I feel so alone in this world full of people?
YOU ARE READING
Skinny Love
Teen Fiction'A teenage girl comes face to face with her past and must deal with its consequences.' Ella got pregnant at seventeen, by her best friend but he doesn't know about it. Instead of telling him she changed schools and took on a new life where no one kn...
