Skinny Love

Chapter 37

"Do I look fine?" I ask Nat my mouth hangs open in question. 

"You look fine."

"Are you sure? Maybe I could put on skinny jeans or something."I  turn to look for my jeans and Nat grabs my shoulders and turns me toward him.

"You. Look. Fine. " he says slowly. "You don't need to impress him, he knows you. Plus you have me, and you definitely don't have to impress me, you look beautiful in everything."

"You're just saying that to be nice." I say pushing past him into the bathroom. "I haven't seen Mark in a normal intimate setting since-" I pause "okay maybe 'intimate isn't the right word, but the only time I've seen him recently was Christmas and at the grocery store! I have to look like I at least had some effort to go meet him." 

"No you don't, you look great, and you are going to go leave right now."he grabs my shoulders and pushes me toward to door. 

"Now? No!" I wiggle out of his grasp and grab my scarf from the hook on the wall. "Wait." I walk to August's room where her mobile is playing a soft melody over her crib. "Bye, bye" I wave in front of her and her eyes move from the distraction of the mobile to me. I lean down and kiss her forehead. "I'll be back!" 

"Everything will be fine, I've got her and you look fine you are going to have an adult conversation with him and everything is alright." Nat assures me. I take a deep breath.

"I hope." I mumble. 

When I arrived at the Coffee Shop downtown it was buzzing with people. Except Mark wasn't there yet so I had to get a table and wait. I sat with my phone on the table, glancing over at it every ten seconds and my feet tapping the floor nervously. It wasn't just about Mark though, I hated leaving August, she's always by my side. But of course she didn't need to be here if me and Mark were going to start arguing. A waitress asked if I was ready to order for the second time and I nodded yes. 

"I'll have an uh, hazelnut coffee and a turkey panini." She smiled.

"I'll be back in a minute with your coffee." then she turned and walked away. I kept my eyes on the door and then to my phone and then at my hands on the table. Soon the waitress came by with my coffee and then off to another table. I took a sip of the hot beverage and then set it down knowing I probably wouldn't take a sip more and regretting ever ordering the panini because I knew I wasn't hungry.  Suddenly another person slid into the booth seat across from me. 

"Hi." he said.

"Hey." 

Our awkward pause was interrupted by the waitress bringing my panini. I stare down at it, ignoring a pang in my stomach that made me feel sick. 

"Is there anything I can get you?" she asks Mark. 

"I'll have just black coffee, that's it." she nodded and left. I picked at the crust of the panini in front of me but didn't eat it. "How have you been?" he asks. 

"Fine, tired, you know." I shrug.

"Yeah." he leans toward me. "So about why we're here."

"What about it?" I ask looking him in the eyes. 

"Here you go, anything else?" we both look to the waitress but I look away as to not make her uncomfortable. 

"No, thank you." Mark says and she looks to me. 

"No." I tell her. He waits until she's walked away to start again. 

"Elle, this is serious." 

"You don't think I know that?" I say and take a sip of my drink.

"Look Elle, I want to be able to see her and it not be a problem. I want to be able to have her with or without you on certain occasions or even weekends. I want to be able to take her to my apartment and want to be able to be her father.  We aren't on bad terms and I feel like I am being very reasonable." 

"You have to remember this is still new to me Mark, I can't stand being apart from her and I hate leaving her with mom and Nat even if I do trust them I like having her by my side and I barely know you anymore. " 

"What are you talking about? We've known each other since we were kids!" 

"That's not what I mean, I mean I don't know where you live or work, or who you hang out with. I'm sorry but it would be like handing my baby off to a stranger." he hits his hands on the table.

"You can't do this Ella," I open my mouth to ask what I couldn't do but I didn't say a word. "you didn't even tell me you were pregnant. You don't know that I wouldn't have helped you out, because you never tried to contact me and ask. I have no problem helping you, it's that you're so damn prideful that you don't want to accept any help!" 

"I never said that."

"But it's true."some people were staring now. 

"Well you're going to have to stick with my terms because you basically don't have any rights at all, and I am trying to be nice but all you want to do is have it your way." I said coldly.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, your name's not even on her birth certificate."

"Why?"

"Because you weren't there to sign the papers!" my hands slam to the table and my frustration gets the best of me. His mouth tightened to a line. "You know what, let's just go somewhere else, because I don't feel like being kicked out of here for yelling at you." I leave a ten on the table and walk out the door. The cold air hits me, and I wrap my jacket tighter. I don't turn around, I head straight to my car. I turn the heat on and sit silently as I wait to see if he bothers to follow me. I turn the radio up a little to fill the silence, as I start flipping through the stations there's a knock on the passenger window. He leans down.

"Can I get in?" he asks, his voice muffled from the windows barrier. I turn the volume knob down and unlock the door. I pull back my hair with one hand while he climbs in. I stare to the front and from what I can see in my peripheral vision, he is too. "Look I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking about us I was only thinking about me." he says, I look over to him.

"There is no 'us' to think about." I put my head in my hands. "Sorry." I say aggressively. "I get that you have your reasons to be mad but you have to think of everything I've gone through. Going to doctor visits, being sick for nine months, being worried about that damn fibroid, and worrying so much that I was going to ruin your 'perfect' future by having her, or that you'd hate me if I did tell you and then after I thought you'd known, I had to go through the rest of my pregnancy thinking that you didn't even care!" I lean my head on the window and as I look over at him he's staring straight ahead. Then more quietly I said, "And on top of all that I had a preemie baby to take care of when I barely even know how the real world works!" 
"So there, now you know."

"I didn't realize..."

"No you didn't."

"I really do want to be able to see her, I want to be a real dad and take her places and be there. You have to let me do that Noelle, you have to. " his fist is at his mouth like he does when he's angry or sad and I could hear the tears in his voice. "You know how he was Noelle."I looked over at him and our eyes locked. "I don't want to be like him." I had heard the stories about Marks real dad and never knew what exactly had happened until Mark and I had become close. It was why his mother didn't like people and why she was so strict. His father left Mark and his mother when Mark was barely six months and they weren't teenagers at the time either. They weren't married but his parents lived together and then one day he flipped shit and drank to much, sold all his mothers jewelry and left. From what I know Mark had talked to him Once or twice a year over the phone up until he was twelve. And then his mother married the slight workaholic that is his step dad. I looked away from him.

"I never said I'd keep you from her, all I said is it has to be my terms." he nods once then starts to get out of the car but pauses. 

"You should come to my place tonight I'll make dinner and you can bring August and," he pauses slightly. "Nat."