Skinny Love

Chapter 40

I lay in bed unable to sleep even though I was extremely tired. I was stressed and worrying about August and Mark. So instead of letting my mind wonder I talked. 

"I love you." I said. 

"I love you more." he said back. 

"Not possible." I told him. 

"Anything is possible." he turned toward me and I nuzzled my head in his shoulder. 

"You never explained something to me," I said picking at the blankets thread. "why had you never told anyone you were bi before me?" He took a deep breathe.

"It was just easier to say I gay, to play the part everyone wanted to see. I know Joan questioned it, others did too, they didn't think I sounded gay which is stupid because how can you sound gay?" I shrugged. "Or the fact that I was a football player, people thought there was no way a gay dude could play football but I showed them." he smiled. "But also I think that before you I had no way to prove my theory of being bi because I'd never met a girl I was really attracted to. I think I was in denial because it's such a weird thing being bi I couldn't tell what I liked, all I knew was it was the person not the gender. But also a lot of people don't know what bisexual means, it really was just easier to say I was gay because that what I thought for sometime. If I got into that role and played along the hurtful words didn't matter anymore because I was laughing with them." I sat in silence. 

"I'm happy for you, I'm happy you figured yourself out." I said. "I really love you, and if hadn't found you I don't know what I would've done." our foreheads were against each other. His lips touched mine, then it stopped. We stared into each other eyes. I sat up first and pulled him up with me. I straddled him, my hands moved from his bare chest to his face. We kissed hard, I couldn't get enough my hands in his hair and his on my back pulling me to him. I breathed hard. My shirt was pulled off, my bra strap kept falling and he just pulled the whole thing off. We rolled over, he was over me and I pulled him down. He kissed my neck and collarbone and moved down. Then his hand were in my hair and I was rolling back over and on him. We stopped and stared into each others eyes. Now we each were completely bare. But my heart was racing too fast and I needed to stop. He moved to pull my mouth to his but I lay beside him.
"I want to."I said in between breathes. "But I can't. I'm not ready." It was half true. I hadn't done anything more than and showers deep kisses with him. I hadn't done anything except with Mark. Mark why was I thinking about him? 

"It's okay, we can stop." I pushed his hair from his face. 

"I don't want to stop," I said "we can kiss." I nodded, a smile at my lips. I really wanted to, I did. But I felt weird about the whole thing, I wasn't the same person I was when I was fooling around with Mark. Now I was different. Older, more mature, a mom... How did this crazy guy love me? He doesn't have to stay, but he did and he loves August like his own daughter. Because, I realized, she was his. No, ours. That was the moment I realized I was unbearably, truly, crazily in love with Nathan Jared Peterson. I don't know why I didn't realize it earlier, I was too caught up in myself I guess but I knew now and they was all that mattered. I wasn't going to let him go.