Skinny Love

Chapter 45

In the movies you're supposed to scream and cry and ask god how he could do such a thing. Taking someone you love, but if you thought about it he didn't do anything and that was my problem. I didn't feel like crying any more to be honest I just wanted to do nothing. I wanted to sit and wait for her to wake but she wouldn't. She wouldn't wake up. I wanted her to wake up and I thought that if I just willed her to wake she would. I was naive. Her heart had stopped. She was gone. We were to say our goodbyes. But what I wanted to do was laugh. I just wanted to laugh. Crazily and hungry. I wanted to tear down the happy pictures in the hall and walk through a tornado. That would be so much better. I felt crazy, just sitting there. 

I couldn't sit there any longer. 

I stood, disrupting the silence that had grown. I walked out without a word. I was still wearing this dress that she'd bought me two days ago for my date with Nat. I hadn't left. This would be the first time. I slept in one of the chairs by her bed. Parker and Lindi were supposed to be coming by again today but it was too late. I felt like no one could care as much as I do.

 I was already in the elevator when I came to my senses. I saw Nat's worried face as the doors closed. I thought he mouthed 'wait' but then I realized I was blanking out. I fell against the arm rest. My body weak, I start to hyperventilate. No. I had started to cry. I was still crying when the doors opened to the lobby. I covered my face and ran out the door. I could feel stares and I wanted to scream at them to stop. I ran across the parking lot and found the car. 

The spare key was taped under the seat. I found it and drove. I drove and cried. I wasn't even planning on going anywhere, until I was just there. I was at Mark's. I fell into the elevator. I tried to press the number two but my arm was useless I was frustrated. I punched the button. No I actually punched it, with my fist. I fell back against the wall as it started taking me up. I nursed my hand and cried harder. The door opened and I ran to his door, tears falling fast down my nose and I banged on the door. I couldn't keep it in anymore. The door opened and I melted in his arms. "She's gone." I cried louder. Harder. Than I had ever cried before. I couldn't hold myself up. He had to pull me to the couch. I felt weak. I cried onto his shoulder, onto his shirt. But then I heard someone else start to cry and I felt horrible that I hadn't even thought of August. I slowly picked myself up and wiped my face. I walked into her room and saw her kicking in her bed. The room was slowly filling with more and more baby items. I picked her up and stared at her. She had stopped crying as soon as I picked her up. I held her in my arms. She watched me, it was like she knew something was wrong. Her big blue eyes were curious. It made me smile a little, but then the hurt came back. August wouldn't ever get to know her. Sam was, is my best friend. She was the best sister anyone could ask for. I lay her on the twin bed and then lay with her until she fell asleep.

"Hey." I heard Mark's quiet voice from the door. I moved slightly just to let him know I heard him. He crawled onto the bed, now August was in the middle of us. I looked up at him.

"Hi." my voice raw. 

"I'm so,"he took a breath. "so sorry. I loved her too." he pulled me close, careful not to  squeeze August. "Look at us."he said, wiping a tear from his face. "Look at her." he caressed August's cheek and smiled. "Look what we did," he said. "we made this angel." I made a weak grin. "And she's going to grow up hearing so many stories of her wonderful aunt Sam." I smiled but tears were falling. I nodded. But she would only hear stories, she wouldn't remember her. But I decided to look on the bright side, all of the good things to come. 

"Nat asked me to marry him two days ago, before you know."I felt the soft fabric of August's onesie.

"I know, what'd you tell him?" I looked up at him. I took a breath.

"I told him it was really soon, we're going to wait a bit." I showed him the ring on my left hand. "I was going to call Sam and tell her that morning. She probably already knew, she'd planned that whole day. She bought me this dress and took me to a salon all for a stupid little date. " I sighed. "Wait, you knew?"

"Yeah, Nat asked me if I was okay with it, and It wasn't a stupid date. Elle you always put yourself down, stop. Be happy for yourself, it's okay."

"Um, well I kind of left the hospital without a word. I should probably go back." I carefully pick up August trying to not wake her. "I'll get Nat to bring me back and get my car tonight, " I sniffle "um, sorry, where's the diaper bag and her seat?"

"Oh, yeah. Let me help you." I put a coat on August and a coat around her, Mark carried the bag and seat all the way to the car.

I strapped August in and sat in the drivers seat. I rolled down the window.

"Bye." I told him weakly.

He waved as I backed away. I took back roads to give myself time to think. I wished so badly that I could just talk to Sam. Hear her voice. I found myself reaching for my phone. I clicked her name and listened to it ring. They hadn't found it in the crash so I knew it was most likely lost and would go to her voicemail. Her voicemail. Her voice. It stopped ringing and I heard a 'hello' I waited for the rest of her message to play but instead got another. "Hello?"

"Hello?" I asked confused.

"Hi, this is Noelle right? Sam talks about you all the time."

"What?"

"Oh sorry, Sam left her phone at my place the other night. She hasn't called me, did she get home alright? I mean I know I have her phone but she would've called somehow."

"Um, who-"I pull over. "who is this?"

"Grace."

"Grace?" she doesn't have any friends called Grace, I thought.

"Her girlfriend?" Her what?

"What?"

"Shit shit shit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, please don't tell her I told you."

"I, I can't tell her anything." I cried "She was with you that night? You let her drive?"

"I had been drinking too, I didn't- I wasn't thinking. What's wrong? Is she okay?"

"No! No she isn't at all!" I whisper screamed. "She- she." I took a breath. "She got in a car accident. She,"I couldn't finish that sentence. "she's gone."

"What?" grace breathed, her tone serious. 

"I have to go. Look I'll call you about the service, I just need to go." She protested a little but then hung up. 

I sat in silence pulled over on the quiet road in shock. 

"What?" I exclaimed. I was going through so many emotions and I hadn't stopped to just take it in. "What the hell?"I drive back onto the road and toward the hospital. But before I made the turn in that direction I called my mom. 

"Hello?" I asked as she answered the phone.

"Where did you go? Hun we're, we're at home." she was sniffling, still crying. "I- I was so worried about you. The roads are slick and I just, just get home safe please. " 

"I promise, I will. Is Nat there?" of course he is, I thought.

"Hold on."she handed the phone to him. 

"Hey."

"You had me worried sick, you shouldn't have been driving when you were so upset. Where are you?"

"I, uh came and picked up August. I just didn't know where else to go. "

"It's okay, hey. As soon as you get back I'll take our bedding and some stuff to the apartment so we can sleep there tonight." he was trying to cheer me up.

"Thanks," I said lightly. "I can't wait."