Skinny Love

Chapter 19

"Noelle Pierce." I walk up the steps to my diploma. As I take it in my hand I look out into the crowd to see Mark and my parents, Sam stands clapping wildly with mom and dad has his arms crossed. I look over and there's Lindi and Parker, Ledger sits in her arms confused and at bliss with life like babies do. I continued down the line and shake hands nodding a 'thank you' to each of them. I pump my fists in the air and scream "Woo Hoo!"  I look down as I step down the stairs and notice something, I'm light on my feet. I have no bump, nothing at all just my skinny normal self.  

It's like no time flies and we throw out caps into the air and I run into Mark's arms. We blend together with the black silk robes. He lifts me up and we kiss I hear gasps and clapping. We're the best friends that finally admitted their feelings after so long. I smile and we pull apart just a little and we stare into each others eyes. I take a slow blink to gather what's going on and when I open my eyes I'm somewhere else. Alone. My heart is filled with love toward Mark but it's not all there. I have a hole in my heart and I take a step back from him. "I'm sorry." I tell him and turn away running past my parents. None of this is right. I'm not normal anymore. I'm a teenage girl who got pregnant and hid from her past. None of this is real.,

Now I sit in a hospital room. "There is nothing wrong everything is perfectly normal." a nurse says.

"But you're wrong." I tell her "I'm pregnant, with a girl due in August." the woman is confused.

"I'm sorry miss but your not."

"Stop saying that!" I tell her.

"We did tests and you are absolutely fine. You're not sick nor are you pregnant."

"You're not listening to me. I already know that I'm pregnant but somethings wrong I feel it." Everything's wrong. I'm not me.

"Ma'am I think we're goning to have you stay another night, alright?" as she leaves I hear her tell another doctor to schedule a psych evaluation. 

"I'm not crazy." I whisper. How was everything different? What happend to my baby? I felt an ache in my heart there was nothing I missed more than her fluttering and the togetherness I felt with her, there in my belly. But now she wasn't there I could feel something was different and I couldn't feel her. I didn't feel heavy or icky. I had no bump, and she didn't exist yet. I felt sad, there was nothing there to help me through the future. My little buddy was gone and I wouldn't see her any time soon. I felt tears in my throat. "I'm not crazy," I choaked up " I'm not. 

I'd fallen asleep. 

I know because I wake to the car door opening and hearing a male voice say. "It's okay, I found her." I feel a warm hand on my cheek and open my eyes to a very concerned Nat. I try to sit up with my arm but it's all tingley and it feels like a bunch of tiny pins are sticking me. 

"Ow, my arm's asleep." I state in a daze. I feel dried tears on my face as wake up even more. There's no more rain just a dark gray sky above. "How long have I been asleep?" I ask realizing that it wasn't just the clouds that had darkened. 

"Long enough to miss the birth. Your sister's pissed." I close my eyes and sigh. I open them back and stare at Nat. His eyebrow shoots up a little and it's very quiet. I lunge toward him and hold him in a hug. 

"What? What's that for?" I hold him tighter.

"Nothing, I guess. I just had a bad dream and I'm glad your here. I'm glad both of you are." 

"What-" I pull away and hold his shoulders. When I move I can feel that she's here, a kind of flutter in my belly. 

"Seriously, how long did I sleep? "

"It's been about and hour and a half since the baby was born. They're going to let visitors in soon, and we've been trying to find you."

"I must not have heard my phone I'm sorry." I rub my eyes and hold my cheeks. "I'm just," I look out the window, unable to make eye contact. "I'm afraid that if I go up there and see Parker and Lindi's happy little family I'll break."  It was true. "They have everything and I have nothing. They have love, family, a home, work."  I'm going to be a single mum relying on other people until I get shut out.

"You have me."

"Do I?"  he looks shocked.

"Why would you think you don't?" 

"Because I guess I don't feel the same as I did," with him "before." He grabs my hands and helps me out of the car silently.  "I'm sorry." I look up to him as we walk toward the building our feet stepping in puddles of dirty rain water. 

"It's okay, we'll talk about it later." 

"No," I step in from of him "it's not okay I shouldn't have said that. I really like you I just don't know how to feel about my life and I feel alone sometimes. Don't be mad."

"Don't be mad? I came out as bi because of you and I was happy about it and then you basically said that I didn't matter when it counted most." he stops and just stands there. 

"But you do, I promise." what've I done? I'm closing everyone I love out.  "I love you, I do." I hug him and get up on my toes. "I really do." our lips are a hair length from each other and I give him a peak on the lips. I open my eyes and give him a hug.  "I'm an emotional wreck but you're still here, and you have even when I dropped a huge bombshell on you. I don't even know why you'd want to be in this situation with me but here you are." 

"Here I am." he says. He puts his arm around my waist and we walk on. Through the revolving doors and into the elevator. Like nothing even happened. The people we pass would think we're a normal happy couple and that's the thing about observation you never really know the truth. You can always see the outside of someone but you can't ever know what they truly feel and that's how I feel with Nat, he may not know every feeling I feel but that's how humans work they take guesses and communicate. But emotions are also a very private thing, and it's hard to tell someone in exact words how you feel at any circumstance, you can't describe how you feel when you're tired or just woke up, or in love and even hate. Everyones feelings are different and that's why we can't express how we feel most of the time because no one understands.