Skinny Love

Chapter 39

"Woah, hey are you okay? You were out for almost ten minutes and you don't look well." Lisa grabbed my arms and I open my eyes again I grabbed the wall with my hand. I breathe in. Out. I'm now leaning against the wall. My hearts racing. My head aches and I feel nauseous.

"I just need to sit." I hold my head between my knees to help but it doesn't work. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine." I wave her away but she just stands there. "Actually I could use some water." In seconds she hands me a glass and I take small sips. "I haven't gotten much sleep lately," I explain. "I'm probably just fatigued." she kneels in front of me.

"You need to go home and get some rest I'm calling your boyfriend." she said, her voice heavy with concern and before I could protest she had my phone and was calling Nat. I noticed Mark in the doorway for the first time. He way holding August concern in his eyes. 

"You know it's probably also this medication I've been taking for nausea," I tell him "it makes me dizzy and faint sometimes." I try to waver his concern but he doesn't budge. He looks mad now. 

"So if you felt faint why did you drive? Especially with August in the car. What were you thinking?" Lisa walked out of the room, still on the phone. I set down my glass. 

"What was I thinking? What was I thinking, let's see I was thinking I had to come over here and try to get along with you for August's sake. I was thinking, 'Hey, I'm tired but you know that's how it is when your a mother.' Not that you would know. I'm doing my best, Mark. If anything I would have pulled over and called someone if I was faint. I stay up with her, I feed her, and I am usually running on less than four hours of sleep. I have to do other things to like get groceries, clean, fold laundry. I'm just one person okay?" 

"Why don't you just leave her here tonight then I'm perfectly fine with it, actually I want to."he said frustrated.

"No, I'm fine. I told you I'm fine." I stood at half rate and felt the blood run to my head. I held onto the wall. 

"Noelle. Stop." I looked at him, his face blank, his voice serious. "You aren't fine. You need sleep, you need all the rest you can get. Nat can bring you back tomorrow and you can pick up August and your car. 

"No, she's never been separated from me for that long, she'll freak. I'll miss her." I go to take her from his arms but he grabs my wrist lightly.

"I am trying to help you, won't you let me help you?" Our eyes lock and the connection between us was like a tight rope, one end could snap at any moment but we just stopped. We were frozen in that moment, his eyes said 'I still love you.' but his mouth was a thin line and my heart was beating fast, but all I could think was 'I still love you but I can't.' and I'm not sure why. Suddenly he looks away and I'm aware of my surroundings. August was crying at the top of her lungs, scared from the ovens timer which blared loudly. "Shh, shh, shh, it's okay." he said holding her on his shoulder as he turned off the timer. I, still frozen in the doorway didn't make any move to help. My body had slowed, I was tired, and on the edge of a mental breakdown. Why was I so stubborn? 'She's mine.' I thought to myself. 'She's is and will always be mine. I was there to do everything from the beginning. Why weren't you? Why weren't you there? Why did you give up so quickly, didn't you see something was wrong with me? Couldn't you tell?' There was no point in saying those words aloud, we weren't meant to be, remember? There was no point in dragging up the past, I was worse than he was. I didn't tell him. How could he have known? Lisa was running past me taking the glass dish out of the oven. Lisa was alright, better than me even. He deserved her, and I, Nat. So why couldn't I see things straight and move on?  

Nat arrived less than ten minutes later, I was sitting on the living room couch when he walked in. 

"What happened? Are you okay?" he ran up to me and pulled my head up to look him in the eyes. He felt my face and said "You look pale." I told him 'I know.' and he started grabbing the baby bag and putting things in it like the can of formula sitting on the table. 

"No, it's okay. She's going to stay the night with Mark." he stopped and looked at me like I was crazy. 

"Are you- are you sure?" he asked. 

"Yes, I think it'll be good for him to get to take care of her and I guess I need a break."

"I have no problem watching her if you need a break anytime-"He moved to sit next to me.

"No, I know. It's just he wants to and it's Friday so we could go on a date tomorrow and have some alone time to talk." he kissed my forehead and smiled. 

"You let me worry about all that, I'll set something up." he looks around. "Where is she now?" 

"Nat's putting her to bed."I told him and then guided him to the baby room. I opened the door lightly. and saw Mark sitting in the rocking chair next to the playpen, rocking August in his arms. He held up a finger 'shh' he mouthed smiling. I pushed the short pieces of hair from her face and smiled. I kissed her forehead. Nat kept his distance but he kissed her little hand and gestured to come out of the room.  After we left the room we waiting for Mark. Lisa came out of the kitchen and shook Nat's hand then hugged him which made me want to push her away but I didn't say a word. When Mark came out and shut the door quietly Nat made his way to him and they walked into the living room alone.  

"Hey just so you, um, know" I overheard Nat say. "if she gets really fussy, she likes to lay on your chest so she can hear you heart. Make sure her milk isn't too hot or too cold, and keep socks on her feet and never leave her alone. Don't forget to change her, and keep her warm especially in this weather." I heard them mumble some and then Nat was in the kitchen with me and Lisa asking if I was ready. 

"Yeah, I just need to get my phone from the diaper bag." I so I did and then I was slipping on my coat and walking hesitantly out the door. I regretted leaving her with him the second I walked out the door but I continued on to the car.