Split Sides

A Letter To Hayley - The Mountain and The Cave

They say that every man has a mountain and a cave in his life; a mountain that he must scale, and a cave for which he must retreat if the mountain proves too much for him. That is the quote that rings in my mind as I write this paper explaining my choice and the reasoning behind it.

For me, the mountain represents the journey of bridging the distance and circumstances that stand between me and Hayley. Scaling the mountain seems like an easy job, until I had to reckon with the complications of preparing and equipping and training myself for the challenge. And that's just before the task of actually getting there and climbing the mountain itself. 

I have spent the last three years of my life attempting to scale that mountain, to bridge that distance and circumstance between Hayley and me. I have done so with the noblest of intentions and the longest of drives. And yet, despite my enthusiasm and determination to make it to the top, it has been steadily wearing me down. And this overpowering pandemic has worn me down further, like an unforgiving blizzard or landslide. It's taken too much out of me and I've no resources and energy left to keep going. I'm ashamed to admit it as it has been such a lofty goal of mine to find her and see her again, but this mountain has defeated me and forced me to turn back.

This pandemic has forced me to reassess my options and contemplate my present situation. The last three years have proved to be such burdensome and miserable in terms of my mental, emotional, and psychological health, and still I have a long way to go and not enough of a tangible method to get me there. It's all taken its toll on me and become too much for me. I have little choice but to retreat to the cave. To keep doing so otherwise would be lethal to my health and well-being.

For me, the cave represents shelter, a place to hide when the conditions become too tough to carry on. This cave is the need to replenish my strength by giving time to review my priorities in life and where best to put my focus on. I can't keep pushing my way towards Hayley while neglecting my needs and facing the situation on the ground. So with a heavy heart, I had to abandon my search for her and tackle my more immediate needs, like a job to sustain me and a love to fix my broken sense of self. That has to be my urgent priorities right now.

In this cave I must take time to look after myself and know how to restore stability in my life, for I cannot hope to climb that treacherous mountain if I myself am no longer fit to do so. What I need is a job to earn money and give myself a degree of independence, and to find a new love to heal the cavernous space in my heart and to restore my ability to take care of and nourish a lasting romance. Yes, I'm aware how stinging it must be to my self-esteem and confidence to turn my back at this long-sought goal. But I have more pressing issues at the moment and they must be solved first. I'm afraid it'll be a long time before I can face that mountain again and scale it once more. I'm not blind and I'm not stupid, I'm being sensible and pragmatic with myself.

Despite my choice to move to the cave and focus on my personal challenges right now, do not think that I have given up my goal. I haven't, and I know once I have everything secured and when I know I'm finally able and ready to climb that summit once again, I will give it my all to make it happen. Because to get to the top and to find Hayley and see her again is the overarching goal, and may nothing hinder me anymore once I try my luck again. Whether she has changed or not remains to be seen, and I shall prepare myself for what I'll find when I get to that place. And besides, I know this is not my only mountain, just as I know that seeing her again is simply the first of my myriad of other plans to fulfill. There are plenty more mountains on the horizon, and there will be many more caves ready to retreat to when it becomes too much. So I'll say this again: this isn't over, I'm simply pulling back to tend to my needs and recharge. That's all I have to say for now.