Split Sides

Modern Dinosaur

I've been listening to this particular track ever since I discovered it at the beginning of this month. The first time I heard of it, it must've been 2 in the morning and I was having another bout of insomnia. I can still remember how calming and clarifying it was when it played. For some strange reason, it was at that time that I suddenly thought of what Lux's new partner told me before Lux broke up with me and cut me off from their life. They accused me of being homophobic because I've never heard of the term non-binary before. To be honest, to this day I still don't understand what it means. LGBTQ I understand. But not non-binary. I don't really know how to classify it and what it means in practice. I'm from a Third World country in Asia. Society remains deeply conservative here. Where I'm from LGBTQ people can't change their gender, can't get married, can't adopt kids, and can't pass their inheritance to their partner. They're stuck with whatever gender they started with when they were born. This is the reality I live with. And so I'm thinking of the term non-binary as an alien idea that I find impossible to wrap my head around. I simply don't get it and I can't understand it. I don't have any nefarious thoughts about it, and I don't mean to insult any LGBTQ person out there; I simply don't know how to view it and think of it properly, the way it should be. I'm not yet at that level of seeing it in the mainstream.

Overall, the entire episode has shown me how far I am from being able to relate to people, and how much I still don't know. It showed me how change can be so abrupt and brutal and unkind. Mostly though, it reminded me of the painful but truthful knowledge that I'm a modern dinosaur. I'm a straight man in a time and world of gender fluidity. I may be 26 as of writing but I feel five decades older. The rapid pace of change leaves me confused and uncertain. I don't know what's happening and why. I just know change is the only permanent thing in this world. And I don't know my place in this world and time. All I know is as much as I loved Lux, they're the past now, but I don't know what and where I'll be next. I haven't figured it out yet and I don't know what my future will look like and be like. I only wish I knew.

I wish I could understand, and be understood. That's all.