Split Sides

To Elisha (Interest #3)

Elisha, you came into my life in the most unexpected way. I say that because my first impression of you is a bohemian woman of artistic flair who drank her water from a reused wine bottle. That will always be my lasting idea of you. You certainly were unafraid of trying different things and in a way, you inspired me to loosen my inhibitions a bit. I say that because I was coming from four tumultuous years of being a depressed, lonely, and soulless shadow of a Marketing student that marked my late adolescence. I was transferring to a new, unknown college my mother disapproved of, changing courses to study Literature, which to this day my mother says was a horrible waste of time and money, and simply feeling lost and miserable, like a drifting ghost unable to find peace. Those were the conditions that permeated my life when I first met you. And when you did, you were a burst of color and sunshine that finally lifted my spirits. The fact you and I saw the world in similar eyes, and the fact you were born in the same month as I was, certainly helped reinforce that bond. We were just so alike it was completely unexpected.

But not so unexpected that it was surprising. You never knew this, but back in my first college, during those dark moments of unbearable self-loathing, I found myself thinking and subsequently wishing to meet, love, and be loved by a woman who was just like me. I said to myself, "If I met a woman who was a female version of me, I'd feel less lonely, and maybe I'd learn to love myself more." Yes, that's how low I've gone. I was actually imagining being loved and feeling loved, since I wasn't getting it from my absent, preoccupied father or my critical, domineering mother, and certainly not from my circle of acquaintances who had other things to do. I thought meeting someone just like me would ease my pain somewhat. And it did happen through you, and there were times when I thought you'd be the one, my very first girlfriend, the person who would help me manage that messy transition from adolescence to adulthood.

Indeed, there were moments when I genuinely thought you would be the girl I was looking for. The girl in my mind, in human form. That time (I think it was a Wednesday or a Friday) when our classes ended early for some reason, and you offered me the chance to join you to the central business district to see your father. It was nearing sunset by the time we reached the office tower where your dad worked, and you asked me to go somewhere else for a moment so you can have a private word with him. By the time you were done, nighttime had descended and the street lamps were shining their amber glow. It was a stressful conversation because you had to pause at a kiosk to buy a pack of cigarettes from which you smoked one before we left the place. And the highlight of that time was when you held my hand all the way from the office tower to the train station. And we kept on holding hands until I had to exit the train at my station. And even then, I was waving you goodbye when the doors were closing and the train shuffled away from me. That was the first time a woman outside my family held my hand, and I went to bed that night feeling proud that this small act was a momentous achievement for me. By Monday you told me you had an almighty row with him over the weekend, and you were so devastated that you hugged me and wept into my green polo shirt. That was another key moment for me, because it was the first time a woman embraced me and felt safe with me to cry. I call them momentous since I had a hard time replicating them since, and I still don't know how to do them or set the conditions to make them happen again, I must concede. It must've been the spontaneity that was beautiful and significant about them.

There was another time when we went out with your friends to a place in the city that was selling unique art and cultural items (the closest I can describe as being a mini version of Shoreditch or Silver Lake), and on the way there we were grossing each other out with disgusting food combinations. What a great big laugh that was. I forgot why we went there or if you found what you wanted, but I remember it well because your friends offered me some cannabis which I refused because I was far from home and didn't know anyone. We stayed there till 11 or 12 mn, and I had to go home because my mother was badgering me. That night was wonderful.