Split Sides

To Julia (Interest #1)

I find it easier for me to explain my feelings and thoughts about you in writing this essay in this place I hope you never find. I'm under no illusions that you're not interested in any links with me, nor do I see you changing your mind within my lifetime. Indeed, I'm certain I will never cross paths with you again and that's a painful fact I must accept. Regardless, I want to clean my mind-closet of all the remnants of past loves and failed romances and make peace with my turbulent history before 2022 ends, and I figured it would be a good place to start with you, seeing as you're the first person I entertained romantic intent over. This is an essay detailing my motivations and regrets I have over you, and by doing so I hope to get them all out of the way and move on with my life.

Julia, I must admit my interest in you was rather late in my growing process. I don't know what started it or why, but it was gradual. It must be my day-to-day observations of you and your interesting qualities, but owing to the fact you were a year older, and were in a school level above me, I didn't take a sustained interest in you until the tail end of my time in high school.

I still remember that time when it all started. I was nearing the end of my third year in high school, it was nighttime and the school dance was happening, and it was either coincidence or design that I didn't have anyone to dance with. I still don't know how it happened but you came along and decided to have that dance with me. You were in that vibrant yellow dress the color of sunrise, and you took my hand and lived that excruciating moment with me, seeing as you weren't particularly enthusiastic to be there to begin with. But we found a way to make it a bit bearable, and I was particularly astounded that you'd take a chance to dance with me, and I still treasure that memory to this day. I never forgot your extraordinary act of kindness but that dance with you was what started my romantic interest in you, and it was a shame you were graduating that year, because I would've wanted to develop it into something more.

Years later, we met each other again, online. I was working as an unpaid intern in a magazine, and you were seeking a career in journalism. It was a promising start, and I wanted to grow our connection into something more sustainable and substantial, but it seemed like you were too busy to spare some time with me. I understood that it was the strains of work and the needs of friends and family that prevented you from being interested in me, but it felt like I was the only one making the effort to restart those links with you. It seemed like you always had a reason in your pocket. Not even the offer of a museum tour or an art exhibit by the French Embassy would convince you to say yes. And I guess you slowly got tired of me and fed up with me, which could explain why you stopped replying to my messages since 2019. I was leaving messages of hopeful friendship and interest in you, though even then they were dwindling, but still you had no time for me. Such is the tragedy of life.

Julia, I left one final message for you, just a small greeting to wish you Happy Birthday last November. I can tell you, with all honesty, it'll be my last message to you. I'm not gonna do this again. I'm never gonna do this again. It's finally dawned on me that you're not interested in me, years after it should've been obvious to me. Why did I keep going at it for so long? I guess I thought you would notice, or at the very least care, how much I wanted this, and I hoped you'd want this too, but in the end you had your reasons I'll never know about. I hope I never see you again. I hope you never change your mind and come for me, because I know I won't let you back. And I hope you don't ever meet someone who'll put you through what you put me through. I wish you well Julia, but I wish you never come back. Because if you do, it's too late for you. You would've arrived at the station long after I'm gone, and the place had been closed and sold off. You saw no room for me in your future, therefore I know you can never be in my life anymore. I had feelings for you once, but now I can see you were a false start, the first but sadly not the last. What a shame. What a bloody shame.