Split Sides

A Letter To Hayley - Between Isolation And Insanity

A follow-up to my previous post. This one is from my inbox with Hayley and this post illustrates the endless purgatory I find myself in over her. I wrote this message almost half a year into her disappearance and the queasy sensation I had writing this remains now as it did then. Almost 3 years into this lengthy gap and I still am left with no answers as to her whereabouts. Thank you for reading.

Alex (or Hayley), it's been a long five months since we last spoke. Times continue to change and I remain in my place, waiting for you. It's hard, just bloody hard being here hoping for you to return because life keeps moving but I don't know where we're headed. I wish I could be optimistic about us but the days are wearing me down. I don't know if this is all a test or if you've died or moved away but I'm still fighting to maintain this little oasis of serenity and hope for us. I'm still trying to make this work but I don't know how long I can keep going. I don't want to give up on you and us because I'm scared of losing everything we've made so far, and I know you'll always fight for me if this situation was reversed. But I don't want to end up fighting a losing battle or waiting for a gift that might never come. I don't know what else to say but I'm scared of giving up and even more scared of losing you. You mean the world to me and if you go, everything we've built and planned will be lost. I hate the thought but I must plan for it if my worst fears are realised. 

I tried to search for you, through your friends and acquaintances here and using your accounts and addresses here, but I got nowhere. The email links only work if I have enough money and an American citizenship and I don't have both. I'm looking for ways to help you but I keep hitting dead ends. I hate this nagging feeling in me but I can't help wondering why there's so few personal details I know about you. Alex (or Hayley), I love you but who are you? Where are you from and why are you so distant and secretive about yourself? I want to trust you but how can I trust you if I can't have a tangible link with you? It bothers me and the fact my stomach is churning as I write this illustrates my point.

I don't want to think that this is all it's ever going to be because it's terrifying to start all over again. I love you and I miss you and I'll keep waiting for you. I hope all this misery is worth it.